||It Lives By Night
||Horrors of Spider Island
Mike: Hey folks! Painting today up here on the Satellite of Love. Time to spruce up the galley, the companion way...
Crow: And the can.
Mike: And the can too, yes. I thought I'd...
Servo: The can really needs it, man, let me tell you.
Mike: Okay, I thought I'd try a little experiment based on the theory that the color of the room can affect the mood of said room's occupants. For instance, this color of green is used in prisons because it's said to calm the inmates down. How does this make you guys feel?
Servo: Well, I feel calm, placid, sort of a Jimmy Carter-like serenity.
Crow: I find I have the inexplicable desire to date Lisa Stansfield.
Mike: That figures. How about this? This orange is bright, cheery, said to increase appetite.
Servo: Huh. This might sound odd, but I feel bitter and ignored, you callous snobs!
Crow: It increases my desire to date Lisa Stansfield, but in particular, I want to take her to see competitive curling.
Mike: I don't know why I even bother. Let's try one more. How about this one? This is a morose blackish crimson. The color of dry blood. The exact color of the last room in Poe's "Mask of the Red Death". One look at it is said to drive it's occupants mad. Mad I tell you! How does this make you feel? Hmm? Hmm?
Crow: I'm sticking with the Stansfield bit.
Servo: I think it'd be perfect for the can!
Mike: No, in there, I'm gonna use this eggshell color.
Crow and Servo: No! Oh it's horrible! Get it away Mike! Get it away!
Mike: Good, that'll keep them out of my biffy. We'll be right back.
Crow: Ah! Horrible!
Mike: And how does this color make you feel, hmm?
Crow: Hmm. It makes me want to invest everything I have in steam-powered weaving machines.
Servo: Me too! Man, that's eerie how colors can influence you.
Mike: Oh, uh, Pearl's pestering us? Yes?
Observer: Bloodless Bob to Monkey One. Bloodless Bob to Monkey One. The lemmings are in position. Drop your payload!
Pearl: Oh, hello Mike. I'm going to start today's experiment with a little poll. How do you feel about tactical misdirection?
Mike: Oh, uh, tactical mis... Uh, hmm. Well, I guess, you know, if it's done for the right reasons, I can certainly see using tactical... Hey! Hey, you used tactical misdirections so that we wouldn't notice you're secretly spraying poison on us!
Pearl: I don't know what you're implying Nelson, but I don't like where it's headed.
Mike: What I'm implying is that you sprayed poison on us... Hey! You did it again! Admit it!
Pearl: I have a statement. Ahem. "In response to the various reports to the contrary, at no time did I or my associates me personally, or myself spray any kind of contaminants, nerve function inhibitors, or thin bullionts on the inhabitants of the Satellite of Love."
Observer: Okay, Monkey One, this is Bloodless Bob. Hit 'em hard with everything you've got!
Pearl: Oh, okay! So I did! But what you have to understand is things were different back then. Once you frame it in the proper context, I think you'll...
Mike: That was thirty seconds ago!
Crow: Yeah, now I've got several more sets of arms. I don't even know which ones are mine! Well, they're all mine, I guess.
Servo: And hey, take a look at these hands! Might as well call me Bob Hugehands.
Mike: And I've got a Servo growing out of my back. Now I'll have to sleep on my stomach!
Mike, Crow and Servo: Hey!
Mike: Now you did it again!
Pearl: Fine! Fine! I'll drop a load of very expensive, highly-experimental antidote. But you owe me, Nelson. I'm also sending you a really stupid bat movie called "It Lives By Night".
Observer: Monkey One, give the babies their bottle. Over.
Mike, Crow and Servo: Ah.
Crow: Sweet antidote.
Servo: Well, I should dry up and fall right off you, Mike.
Mike: Yeah, sure, no problem.
Crow: Hey, put her there, pal.
Mike: Yeah... Oh.
Crow: Oh, we have fun!
Crow: Well that's not what you said before, you jellyfish! Now, we're gonna do this right, so there's no backpedaling from you two clowns later on. You start the scene, and then try to deny that you don't forget that I'm not Mary Tyler Moore.
Crow: So, you guys think that the wife in the movie looks more like Mary Tyler Moore than me. Even though I have the same skinny body, the same pointy hipbones, and the exact same hair... if you ignore the fact that it's a wig. Well, I'm very insulted and deeply, deeply disappointed in both of you.
Servo: Really Crow, you look plenty like Mary Tyler Moore.
Mike: Yeah, more than the woman in the movie, really.
Mike: No... Huh?
Crow: Just go.
Servo: Okay. Ted, you can't have a lava lamp in your dressing room.
Mike: Oh, come on Lou, it's what all the groovy hep cats are doing.
Servo: I said no, Ted!
Mike: Oh, c'mon Lou, please!
Crow: Oh, Mr. Grant, Ted was only trying to be...
Servo: You stay out of this, Crow!
Mike: Oh, come on Lou, I mean, Crow agrees with me Lou!
Crow: Hey, it's Mary, you guys, Mary! Yes Mr. Grant, I...
Servo: Shut up Crow, or I'll transfer you to Chuckles the Clown, okay Crow?
Crow: Alright, it's Mary, you spiteful bastards! How dare you be Lou, and you be Ted but not let me be Mar'? I can turn the world on with my stinkin' smile!
Servo: Whoo! We got him!
Crow: It's me, girl, I should know it!
Mike: We'll be right back, Lou!
Crow: With each glance and every lousy movement I show it! Come on!
Mike: Oh! Oh! Hey guys. Oh man! Don't know what happened. I guess I fell asleep eating my pastry. Oh. Well now, I'm sure I wouldn't have a bunch of giant hypodermic needles sticking out of my stomach unless it was absolutely necessary.
Crow: Mike! Oh my God, what happened? Mike! Mike! Servo, get the rabies kit, stat!
Servo: I'm on it!
Crow: Hang on buddy! Hang on!
Servo: Rabies kit!
Crow: Great! Let's get to work. We haven't a moment to lose. Okay buddy, everything's gonna be fine.
Servo: Good, good. Here you go...
Crow: This might hurt a little there...
Servo: Good, good. Okay, here you go...
Crow: Come on. There. Another one. Another one. And one more. Okay.
Servo: Good, good. Uh-oh.
Crow: Oh, Mike, you led us to believe you were rabid and seconds from becoming a horrible manbat.
Mike: Oh, nah. No. I'm not.
Servo: So, what, are you saying we can't finish your series of painful but necessary injections because you fell asleep eating a cream puff?
Crow: Yeah, thanks Mike. So we're just supposed to live with no sense of closure, just because you don't have rabies? Great, great. Thanks.
Mike: You guys, look, I'm sorry. You're right. I, I, uh, I really was selfish to not have rabies. I'll tell you what? Go ahead and finish the series of painful injections.
Crow: Thank you Mike. But really, it's the least you can do.
Servo: Whoo-hoo-hoo! Hey, thirty-seven more injections to go! Let's rock!
Mike: Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! ...Just kidding.
Mike: We've got Movie Sign!
Mike: Pearl? Pearl, are you there?
Pearl: Well, hey Mike! What can I not do for you? Heheheheheheheh... hey! Something's different.
Mike: Yeah, well I, uh, decided to try a mustache again, only a slightly bushier one like the guy in the movie today. And, you know, I wanted a woman's opinion.
Pearl: Well, it certainly does something for you Mike. It kind of sort of gives you kind of a Robert-y Redford-y kind of thing, in a way. It's not bad.
Mike: You think so? Cause, you know, I was a little worried that it might look...
Crow: Hello, girl. Will I see you on the slopes later? Grrr.
Pearl: Oh! Art! My, you're looking... Ahh! Ohhh, what a hunk of burning love! You want to come down later and maybe hot tub with me, maybe, Art?
Crow: Oh, we'll see Pearly. The fact is, the babes are on me so thick, I gotta feel them off like pants.
Mike: Oh, come on Pearl, look at him, he looks ridiculous!
Pearl: Excuse me, Art, what is that small, mustached idiot croaking about?
Mike: Okay, fine. Fine. Point taken, okay? It's a naked-y lip for me. Ow! Oww! Ow!
Servo: Woah! Oh! Alright honeys, heh, get ready to jump... jump my bones. Woah! Woah! Woah!
Crow: Ladies, I'll be right back.
Mike: "Hoo-doggies," "Mess o' vittles," "Wonder what Granny's up to?" Okay, and you get a bag of dirt, good. And re-order forms for the dirt -- seventy-five bucks a bag -- and, that's it.
Mike: So, you're a brand new franchisee with the Buddy Ebsen Hat Distressing Corporation, uh?
Servo: Hoo-doggies, Mike!
Mike: Distressing hats for bums since 1967. And there's enough bums willing to pay for... what?
Servo: Well, you see, hats are blocked, then folded, stepped on, crushed or rolled in dirt, all for a very low price. There's plenty of bums, Mike, and they don't want to be seen eating cold beans out of a can wearing a brand new Dodds New York.
Mike: No, no. Well, let's take a look at the kit. Looks like you get a list of employee greetings.
Servo: Oh yes, they're very strict about that.
Servo: What? Wait a minute. Wait, no business plan, no promotional materials, leads? I paid twenty-grand for that? Well, of all the stupid, dang-blasted...
Crow: Hey! Hey, Mike, could you give me a hand down at the loading dock? My franchisee kit from the Red Skelton Technologies Hat Distressing Company is here. It looks unbelievably complete!
Mike: Alright, let's go! Uh, the Castle's calling!
Servo: Grrrrr! Stupid Buddy Ebsen! Dirty piece of... I'll throw you into a cement pond you stupid piece of...
Observer: Oh, hi fellas. Much as I's like to empathize about the whole Buddy Ebsen thing, Pearl has trapped us here in the wake of the movie, and we're watching slides of her various honeymoons.
Bobo: So, uh, did you ever marry a guy and go to a cave for the honeymoon and have him turn into a bat?
Pearl: Oh no, nothing like that Bobo. Although here's Chuck and me at the prairie dog colony in South Dakota. Oh, he became a prairie dog. But usually, when my husbands died on the honeymoon, it was more mundane. Like Wendell here. Somebody shot him. Hmm, same thing with Felipe. And Maury. Somebody shoved hatpins through his eyes right before the ceremony. We still don't know who. Hey, sit down, you want me to marry you?
Observer: Oh, no!
Pearl: And Jerome. You want to know how Jerome died?
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