Experiments MSTies Anonymous SOL Post The Club MSTie Net

021 Legend of the Dinosaur 05/21/89
101 Crawling Eye 11/28/89
102 Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy 12/05/89

101 Crawling Eye
Transcripts by D.Billany@Loc-dog.demon.co.uk
Segment 2
Segment 3
Segment 4
Segment 5
101.wav "That eye is lashing out at society." -Crow 26k


Dr. E: Clay! Clay! I think I was spotted on the way down here!
Dr. F: Did you wear your disguise?
Dr. E: I was wearing my disguise, but I'm just not very good in heels!
Dr. F: No one must know we're down here doing this!
Dr. E: I'm sorry.
Dr. F: Well, it's time to call Joel about the experiment. Come in, Joely-Poely Puddin'-n-Pie!
Joel: Hey, sirs, I'm ready for this week's Invention Exchange. Check this thing out! I just made it, it's the world's only electric bagpipes. All right...
Joel, Crow and Servo: Amazing grace, how sweet the sound...
Joel: Okay, and uh, the robots and I have worked up a special cover version of Led Zeppelin's "Whole Lotta Love". You ready, guys?
Crow: Ready! Rock it!
Joel: Two, three...
Joel, Crow and Servo: She's gotta whole lotta love! Wanna whole lotta love! She's gotta whole lotta love! A really whole lotta love!
Dr. F: I love it! Look... Larry's corneas are bleeding. Oh... Well! It's time we sent you our experimental nugget this week, Joel. Now, human underarm perspiration is something that happens to everyone after they go through puberty... which, I assume, includes you, Joel.
Dr. F: When's the last time you saw a dog sweat? Larry?
Dr. E: Never!
Dr. F: Exactly! And why is that?
Dr. E: Dogs don't sweat, that's why!
Dr. F: Exactly! Because of the dog's pineal gland. Nature's own canine antiperspirant. Now. You take the pineal gland, and you make a serum. You get a dog, it doesn't matter what kind of dog, and you inject that serum into a human subject. In this case, Larry...
Dr. F: Now, let's see...It's so hard to find a spot I haven't hit...Uh, what's this flower? And who's Roseanne?
Dr. E: Oh, just stick it, will you?
Dr. F: Sail on, Silver Bird!
Dr. E: D'oh, geez!
Dr. F: Now, instantly the serum races through the bloodstream like a Porsche Targa 911, commandeering each pore, slamming it shut, like the vault at your favorite savings and loan!
Dr. F: And, checking the wetness sensors ...we see that they are free from wetness, and/or odor.
Dr. E: Antidote... Antidote.
Dr. F: Oh! Yes, the antidote. There you go, the antidote, and here is your treat.
Crow: Oh, brother!
Servo: That was pathetic!
Crow: Eww!
Joel: Hey, no, I thought that was really good, you guys. You're doing really well, and I think that someday, you'll be ready for the Nobel Prize.
Servo: Maybe for fiction!
Joel: Hey! Hey, I noticed you moved. You guys must've got kicked out of uh, Gizmonic Institute for shooting us into space like this, I bet.
Dr. E: Oh, don't be ridiculous! We moved!
Dr. F: It's... It's our grand re-opening! Uh, welcome to Deep 13!
Joel: Deep 13? Wait a minute! That's in the sub-basement of Gizmonic Institute! I had to clean up a flubber spill once there. It's incredibly radioactive!
Dr. E: Well, it hasn't affected our brain any.
Dr. F: We like it here! Now, we're even closer to the atomic pile. And one day...
Joel: Well, I suppose it's time for you guys to start experimenting on us again.
Dr. F: I'll tell you when it's time to do the movie, you squinty-eyed space chimp!
Dr. E: Oh, uh, Clay?
Dr. F: What?
Dr. E: It is time.
Dr. F: Oh. Yeah, I...
Dr. E: Nice insult, though.
Dr. F: I knew that. Thank you. Well, it's a real stinkburger of a film this week, Joel. It's called "The Crawling Eye."
Dr. E: Oh, it's got a bad audio track, it's in black and white, and worst of all, it stars Forrest Tucker.
Dr. F: Hmm. Good name, bad actor. I'll put in the tape.
Joel: Movie Sign!

Segment 2

Joel: Okay, what did you guys think of the movie so far?
Crow: Well, I thought there'd be more music. You know, more of a Julie Andrews quality!
Servo: Julie Andrews quality? Isn't that a contradiction in terms?
Joel: Now, come on. Crow, what did you think of the movie so far?
Crow: Well, Joel, I can't understand why everybody's so upset about losing their heads. What's so bad about that? I've seen Servo's head on the work bench lots of times!
Servo: Yeah, it screws right off. It's a pop top!
Joel: Listen, it's not like that, it's really. Human beings are made completely different, you guys. Once our heads are separated from our bodies, that's pretty much the end of the show for us. It's just the way we're made.
Crow: Can't you use your back-up copy and reboot?
Joel: Uh, no. Nope. Nothing like that.
Crow: Well, then why do people say that, they're always like, "I'd lose my head if it wasn't screwed on?"
Servo: Yeah, and people often say their heads aren't in the right places.
Crow: Yeah, and Joel, once I heard the scientists talking, and they said you had your head up your...
Joel: Uh, well, uh, Crow, that was just a figure of speech, all right?
Crow: Figure of speech? Now what's that supposed to mean?
Servo: Oh, like the body of a paragraph, perhaps?
Crow: I think that's a literary figure.
Servo: Oh, maybe like Edna St. Vincent Millay?
Crow: Now there's a body!
Joel: Now listen, you guys, I'm trying to teach you something, all right?
Servo: Joel, what about head games?
Crow: And head trips?
Servo: And how do you explain head cheese?
Crow: Eww...
Joel: Well, uh, head cheese? I don't explain head cheese. But, uh, here are some people who do.

Segment 3

Crow: He's not gonna like this!
Servo: And I'm not gonna tell him. You tell him!
Crow: Well, maybe he won't notice.
Servo: Oh, yeah. Right. Hey, Cambot, could you speed this up a little bit?
Crow: Uh, oh.
Servo: Oh, he's here! Oh...
Crow: Uh, Joel, I don't want to be teacher's pet or anything, but Gypsy uncoiled herself again!
Joel: Yeah, she did. Cambot, could you widen it out, so everybody can see this? Gypsy! I know you're in here! Quit hiding! You clown, get out here! Oh, let's do that thing we did, okay?
Servo: All right.
Joel: It's too bad Gypsy's not here, huh, Crow and Servo?
Crow and Servo: Yeah, yeah.
Joel: Yeah, it's too bad she's going to miss out on those piping hot RAM chips!
Crow and Servo: Mmm!
Gypsy: RAM chips?
Joel: Oh, All right, I knew you were around here somewhere. Listen. You know you're not supposed to come out without using the service portal. Now look. I want to show you this. See this big mess? All over the place. That's... Hey, this is how you look, okay? Now otherwise, we're going to have exo-service spinal bundle all over the place!
Gypsy: What?
Joel: The black stuff!
Gypsy: Oh. Hey, Joel!
Joel: What's that?
Gypsy: I got an itch!
Joel: Oh, wonderful. She's got an itch!
Servo: Terrific! Happy day!
Joel: Okay, where is it, Gypsy?
Gypsy: Vertebrae 6805 through 7019!
Joel: Vertebrae 6905 through 7018, okay, you guys, start scratching. Where's my rake?
Crow: Oh, I hate it when she gets diode rash!
Joel: Me, too. Uh, Tom Servo, I think, uh, you're scratching on the solar collector cable.
Servo: Oh, great.
Joel: So am I. Wait a minute, now. Here, okay.
Servo: Why am I doing this? I hate being the end-man. I scratch here and it takes her six hours to feel it in her head.
Joel: I know what you mean.
Crow: Uh, Joel?
Joel: Yeah?
Crow: Uh, I don't want to ask a stupid question, but... Why'd you make her so big?
Joel: Well, you know how it's... I-it's kind of like when you start connecting paper clips together, you kind of get hooked on it? It's kind of like that.
Servo: Oh, my.
Joel: What's that, Tom?
Servo: Uh, Joel, you know when we were speculating on her sex?
Joel: Yeah.
Servo: Well, I think I may have narrowed it down, here.
Joel: Oh, yeah?
Servo: Oh, oh, check that. Sorry. False alarm.
Joel: Wait a minute. Here's the, um,... I think I found the problem. She's jammed in here behind the door.
Crow: Hey, don't open that door, McGee!
Joel: Happens every time! We got Movie Sign!

Segment 4

Crow: Oh, Joel! It was so horrifying!
Joel: Yeah, really? You think so?
Servo: So ugly! So hideous!
Joel: Uh, yeah, that was some eye, wasn't it?
Crow: No, not the eye, we're talking about Forrest Tucker.
Servo: Oh, yeah, all that Vitalis, those prop glasses, and those heavy... dramatic... pauses. I'm drained!
Joel: No, you guys. No, you got it wrong. You see, the eye is what's horrible about this movie. Think about it. Otherwise it would've been called "The Crawling Forrest Tucker"!
Servo: I guess. Joel, what's so scary about a big eye, anyway?
Joel: Oh, I see. Well, that's another human being thing. You know, anytime we're confronted with some, uh, appendage of ours that's disconnected and free-roaming, rogue, you know, genetically bloated to ten times its normal size, we're automatically scared.
Crow: Especially if they run in packs!
Joel: Yeah!
Servo: Ho, ho. I know what you mean. Once I got hassled by a pack of really tough pituitary glands. And you know how immature they can be.
Crow: I still don't see why it's so scary. You could just walk up to it and throw salt at it!
Servo: Or just a squeeze of lemon juice!
Joel: Right, I know, it's kind of a plot hole. But, let's kind of look it over. You see, these... Okay, these giant eyes come from a world that's designed for them, you know? It's completely compatible, like their highways are made out of nerf, and, um, oh, they don't have to take shop classes.
Crow: And they only use baby shampoo?
Joel: Right. Right, exactly. So anyway, they come down from this planet and they decide to land on a mountain peak.
Servo: Which is really stupid, because as we all know, a giant sharp point is the giant eye's natural enemy.
Joel: Bingo. So anyway, they come down, and, uh, they fouled up their atmosphere somehow. I don't know, it's hay fever season, or something, and they figured they'd come down to Earth, we'll have our first frost already done with. So, they come down, and they have no concept of anything at all, like wearing safety glasses, or protective eyewear of any kind.
Crow: Joel, I think we've already spent more time examining this plot than the writers ever did.
Servo: Now, here's something you'll really like.

Segment 5

Joel: All right, it's the end of the movie, everybody! And you know what that means!
Crow and Servo: Yay!
Joel: RAM chips and dip!
Crow and Servo: Yay!
Joel: And afterwards, a borium power flush!
Crow and Servo: Boo!
Joel: I'm just kidding.
Crow and Servo: Yay!
Joel: Okay now, you know how it works.
Gypsy: RAM chips, RAM chips...
Joel: No, no, just wait your turn, you'll get a RAM chip. Okay, Crow, you go first. Now, tell me a good thing about the movie and the bad thing, and you'll get your RAM chip. Good thing?
Crow: Uh, the good thing was, it wasn't longer.
Joel: Okay, and the bad thing?
Crow: It was this long.
Joel: Okay, there's your RAM chip, pally.
Crow: Yay!
Joel: Okay, open up, there you go. All right. How is it? Good?
Gypsy: RAM chip, RAM chip...
Joel: Okay, no, no, wait on your RAM chip, Gypsy. Okay, Tom Servo.
Servo: All right. Okay, let's see. The good thing was that we didn't have to watch them clean up the vitreous humour all over from the eyes exploding. Okay, imagine, you sign up that day for Kelly Temps... Trollenberg office, of course. They give you a leaky bucket and a turkey baster and send you up the mountain... Now you're on cleanup crew!
Joel: And the bad thing?
Servo: Well, the bad thing was, uh, the movie? It was ambitious, but it lacked vision. Hahahaha!
Crow: Well, hindsight is 20/20. Hehehe!
Joel: Terrific. Okay, well, here's your RAM chip, pal.
Servo: Thank you!
Joel: Okay, okay, it's time for your RAM chip, Gypsy. All you gotta do is answer the questions, and you get the RAM chips! Okay?
Gypsy: All right.
Joel: All right, tell me a good thing about the movie.
Gypsy: Can I have a RAM chip, Joel?
Joel: Well, tell me a bad thing about the movie, Gypsy. Oh, you don't know? Okay, okay, just answer this one question and I'll give you your RAM chips. Okay? Uh, what's two plus two?
Gypsy: Richard Baseheart?
Joel: Oh, good one, okay, there you go. All right, yeah.
Servo: What? She got it?
Joel: Okay, well, that's the end of the experiment, you guys. Hope you're happy.
Dr. E: Oh, I'm happy. Are you happy?
Dr. F: Oh, I'm happy. Here. File this! Well, we'll see you next time, Joelie-Poelie Pudding-n-Pie!

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