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1008 Final Justice 06/20/99
1009 Hamlet 06/27/99
1010 It Lives By Night 07/18/99



1009 Hamlet A Best Brains Production
Transcripts by S0lCrow@aol.com
Prologue
Segment 1
Segment 2
Segment 3
Segment 4
Segment 5
1009.wav "Turn about, my lord. Assure you, my liege. I hold my duty as I hold my sword both to my God and to my gracious king." -Actor
"I know no-thing!" -Servo
78k
1009a.wav "Alas, poor Yorrick..." -Hamlet
"Hey, I did all right for myself." -Mike
32k



Prologue
Mike: Hi everyone, welcome to the Satellite of Love. Mike Nelson here along with Gypsy, Crow T. Robot.
Crow: Hi.
Mike: And Servo.
Servo: Uh, it's Sirveaux.
Mike: Yeah, that's what I said, Servo.
Servo: Oh, no see, I changed my name. It's not Servo anymore, it's Sirveaux. It sounds the same, only it's spelled S-I-R-V-E-A-U-X. Sirveaux. Well just grab that visual aid down there.
Crow: So you want us to call you "Sirveaux" from now on.
Servo: Yeah, I'd prefer it.
Gypsy: What if we called you "Servo"?
Servo: I won't respond.
Mike: Wow. Anyway, we'll be right back.
Servo: Oh! And I also added an "H" to my first name, so you can call me...
Mike: Oh okay, let me guess. It's T-H-O-M, Thom.
Servo: Oh no, no. The "H" is at the beginning, so it's "Htom". Hehe.
Crow: Well, "Htom", why do you hlick me.
Gypsy: Woah! That's a good one.
Mike: Sorry about all this, we'll be right back...


Segment 1


Crow: No, no, no, it's Cröe.
Mike: Cro-ooh. Crooh.
Servo: Croo, Cr... Croo.
Crow: It's very simple. No, no, purse your beak, Mike.
Mike: Oh, Pearl's calling. I'll purse your beak.
Servo: Croo, Croo.
Mike: Stop it.
Pearl: Well, my friends, this is it. Future generations may damn me, but in moments the world will be mine, for I have created a mutant virus so insidious, yet so destructive that by morning, half the planet's population will be dead!
Mike: Never mind that, find the lady. Come on, find the lady. Let's go, find the lady.
Pearl: Fool! This is no time for games. You will be the first to die.
Mike: Never mind that, find the lady. Come on, find the lady, it's easy, anyone can do it, find the lady. Nothing to watch, a buck to play. Find the lady.
Pearl: Don't you see that I have the power to... kill you... Uh, the middle one, the middle one.
Mike: Sorry, costs a buck to play. Come on now, find the lady, find the lady.
Pearl: Okay, here's a buck.
Observer: Ah, it's a setup. You can't win. It's a setup.
Pearl: Shut up. Um, the left.
Mike: No, I'm sorry, here she is. Come on now, find the lady, easy to do, come on now, let's play.
Pearl: Oh, l... right.
Mike: You are exactly wrong! Here she was. Okay Pearl, let's raise the stakes a little bit. If we win, we get to choose the movie we want, if you win we'll watch two movies. Now, you think you can take me, go ahead on. It's your move.
Pearl: Okay Nelson, I pick...
Bobo: The middle! Middle! Pick the middle! No, wait, wait, the left. No right! Right! Right! No, wait, wait! It's the queen. The queen is the lady, right?
Pearl: Drink this.
Bobo: Oh, okay.
Pearl: Milkbag, you're omniscient, what do you think?
Observer: It's a scam. You can't win.
Pearl: Oh, I forgot, you're also a pus. I pick middle.
Mike: Hmm, let's see, yes, yes, yes.
Crow: Yeah!
Servo: We win! We get any movie we want!
Crow: Mike, you're da bomb, man, what're you gonna pick?
Mike: Oh let's see, something I like. Let's say, say the greatest drama of all time. Pearl, send me Hamlet. With Ronna, Zepherelli, Olivie it's your choice.
Observer: Hamlet... German... Bratwurst.
Pearl: Hehe, perfect. You win, you get Hamlet. Oh boy do you get Hamlet. A dark, dreary, dubbed version made in 1960 for German television. God am I good.
Observer: Girlie, you are the verve!
Pearl: Send it up, cream cheese. And choke it down, Snitzelbank's.
Mike: Oh, we won... follow the... the wrong...
Servo: Put it away, honey.
Crow: Time for starchy, pork-filled Hamlet.
Mike: Oh, we got Movie Sign.
Servo: Movie sign!


Segment 2


Servo: Oh boy, this ghost of Mike's father gag is too good!
Crow: Yup, no question. A perfectly conceived, perfectly executed bit of tomfoolery.
Mike: Hello?
Servo: Ah! A ghost! Help me!
Crow: Servo, it's just Mike!
Servo: Oh okay, good.
Crow: Ahem. Mark me, for I am your father's ghost come to tell you...
Mike: Hold on, wait a minute. No, it can't be my father. He's alive and well. He runs a mail order burlap store out in Mynon, Wisconsin.
Servo: D'oh.
Crow: We got to check on that.
Servo: Okay, okay. Um, try his. Uncle Lester, I'm pretty sure he's dead.
Crow: Okay, I'm your Uncle Les...
Mike: Oh nope, nope. Retired, lives in McAllen, Texas. You know what, Pearl just forwarded another of his delightful Christmas letters.
Servo: Cousin Al, Cousin Al.
Crow: Okay. I'm your Cousin Al...
Mike: Ah no, nope, nope. He's alive, he builds carberators out of a pole shed in Sock Rapids, Minnesota. Just sent me a price list.
Crow: Okay, okay. Ay leads there, other part of the ghost?
Servo: Uh, uh, uh... Okay, okay, okay. Brother in-law's ex-wife Wanda?
Crow: Okay, I am your brother in-law's...
Mike: Oh no, not Wanda, she works the pit crew up in Brainerd. She can hurl a tire 35 feet without even...
Crow: Don't your relatevies ever die?! It's over. Hit it, Cousin Wanda.
Servo: First try his brother Ron's karate teacher, Herb Dowton.
Crow: Put a sock in it, you...
Servo: Watch it, ow...
Crow: Hey, hey, watch it...
Servo: Ow, choking me...
Mike: We'll be right back. Ghosts.


Segment 3


Crow: An excellent idea.
Servo: Oh, thank you.
Mike: Hey, where've you guys been, I haven't seen you around at all.
Servo: Oh, sorry Mike, we've been in the middle of rehearsals for our own version of Hamlet. It's gonna be sort of a modern, abstract, interpretation type thing.
Mike: Oh, so kind of like the works of Richard Shackner or Heiner Muller, or countless collegters.
Crow: Oh yeah, it's a timeless drama, Mike. Everyone should take a shot at it.
Servo: Yeah, there's just so many ways to render it, Mike.
Crow: We even got as far as storyboarding a few ideas. Um, Mike, help us out there.
Mike: Oh, sure.
Crow: Now here's what we came up with for our scuba diving version. Pretty powerful stuff, huh?
Servo: And then we considered a bucket-head Hamlet.
Crow: The buckets of course symbolizing modern man's faceless conformity.
Servo: Yeah, but it didn't really pan out. Well then we were right in the middle of rehearsal for our all-furniture version.
Crow: Oh, we were having so much fun! The sofa that was playing Gertrude was a delight.
Servo: Yes, but then our backers pulled out just days before opening. The footstools were pretty upset.
Crow: Yeah.
Servo: Well, I think all the furniture was.
Crow: Yeah, they were. But that brings us to our percussion version of Hamlet. The bongos here represent Ophelia.
Servo: And obviously, these Maracas are Hamlet Now allow us to perform a part of Act III, Scene I.
Mike: Oh, excuse me, we got Movie Sign. We'll just take this up later.
Crow: We're just getting to the murder, Mike, hang on.


Segment 4


Mike: Hello, and welcome to "Alas, Poor Who?" Now as you know, last week, our reigning champion, Mr. Tom Servo, won the fortknight supply of mutton. And he's back this week to face another challenger.
Servo: Thanks, Mike. Thanks, Mike.
Mike: Tom uh, remind the folks at home what you do, again.
Servo: Mike uh, I'm a small robot who lives with you.
Mike: Robot who lives with me, well that's interesting. Okay. Your challenger, Crow T. Robot. How are you, sir?
Crow: I'm feeling good, Mike. Thanks.
Mike: Mmm-hmm. And what do you do, sir?
Crow: I'm also a small robot who lives with you.
Mike: Wow, seems to be a popular job these days. Let's get down to action. Okay, for you folks at home, the object of the game is to visually identify a person by some part of his or her skeletal system. And Servo, you'll be starting with this lovely femur.
Crow: Ooh.
Servo: Okay.
Mike: You have ten seconds, go.
Servo: Let's see, alas poor Larry Hagman? No, no, no. Alas poor Kathryn Graham. No, alas poor... I got it. Alas poor Bismarck Kee.
Mike: Exactly. Bismarck Kee. His femur. Suprisingly delicate, isn't it? Alright, well played. Okay Crow, are you ready to give it a whirl?
Crow: Oh I sure am, Mike.
Mike: Okay then, here's a clavicle. Whose is it?
Crow: Wow. Uh, I want to say Tim Conway, but no, more like Dr. Dean Ornish. Germane Greer. Peter Satara. Geez, no. I'm gonna go with Nancy Allen, Mike.
Mike: Please state it in "Alas Poor" form.
Crow: Oh yeah, alas poor Nancy Allen.
Mike: Is right!
Crow: Yeah!
Mike: Okat, that's a fine clavicle she has there. Must've drank lots of milk. Okay, it's tied up here. Servo, who belongs to this ileum?
Servo: Oh that's easy, Mike. Alas poor Alaska Senator Ted Stevens. Ah wait, no. Alas poor Rolan Gift. Yeah, I'm gonna go with alas poor Rolan Gift.
Mike: Ooh, I'm sorry. Alaska Senator Ted Stevens.
Servo: Oh, darn.
Mike: Close, though. Okay, Crow. You could win with this one. Whose are these series of metatarsal bones?
Crow: Oh, ooh! I know this one, easy! Ralph Wait!
Mike: They are indeed the metatarsals of Ralph Wait. But alas, incorrect form for the second time, and so you don't get the points, and you don't win. You both lose, and that's all the time we have. We'll be back next week with another edition of "Alas, Poor Who?"
Servo: Uh Mike, we won't really be back next week, will we?
Mike: Not unless I get a codpiece.


Segment 5


Mike: So. You guys made a Hamlet action figure, huh?
Servo: Yup.
Crow: Uh-huh.
Mike: Anything remarkable about it? Typical action figure you just kinda move it around, that's the action?
Crow: That's about it.
Servo: Pretty much.
Crow: Well, you might want to pull the string there.
Mike: Oh, it talks! Well say! Well wow, kind of a long string.
Servo: Well that's what makes it such a great action figure.
Crow: Yeah.
Mike: I know, but most action figures with a string, you know, you pull it, it's like 18 inches long.
Crow: It is a bit longer on this one, I grant you.
Servo: Mmm-hmm.
Mike: Yeah I know, but I mean, it's really a lot longer.
Crow: Well, Hamlet does have some looong speeches, Mike. Whoa, watch the umbrella stands.
Mike: Ow.
Servo: Okay, keep going, honey. It can't be too much more. Uh see, Mike, what I'd do is go up those stairs...
Crow: Up the stairs, yeah.
Servo: No, no, behind that. There you go.
Mike: I didn't even know we had stairs here. Never been over to this part of the ship. Hey, how much longer is it?
Crow: Uh, not much. Uh-oh, uh-oh, Pearl's calling.
Mike: I didn't know there was a squash court here.
Servo: Yes, Pearl?
Crow: Keep going!
Pearl: Look, I don't care if you're small, but, pivotal. You can't just waltz in here and... hang on. Hi guys, got a bit of a situation here. Apparently in "Hamlet" there's a character named Fountianbras.
Observer: Um, Fortenbras.
Pearl: That's what I said.
Observer: No, no, no, actually you said... Fortenbras.
Pearl: Anyway, he claims he's in the original Hamlet, but not in this movie...
Fortenbras: Yes, and I'm not leaving until I'm allowed to play my role. Am I simply to hang about in limbo? Or perhaps I should force myself in another play, hmm? To walk up to "American Buffalo" and say "Hello, have you a need for a Norwegian nobleman to arrange for dead bodies to be carted away?" I don't think I'm being unreasonable here.
Pearl: Play the part.
Fortenbras: Really?
Pearl: Sure, go ahead. Play the part.
Fortenbras: Well, I'll uh, need, um, two English ambassadors.
Pearl: Will you?
Fortenbras: Yes, and a Horatio, and a band of soldiers, and drums at the beginning and at the end, and a pier of ordinance, and of course, a body.
Pearl: Oh golly, where could I find a body on such short notice? Hmm, I wonder where... Say, could you pour this in your ear for one moment?
Fortenbras: Aah!
Pearl: Well hey! There's a body, you're in luck! Is it me? Am I a magnet for these idiots?
Observer: He made me look butch.
Servo: Okay, let her go, Mike!
Hamlet: To be or not to be: that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them? To die: to sleep; no more; and by the sleep, to say we end the heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep; to sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub.



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