Experiments MSTies Anonymous SOL Post The Club MSTie Net

1007 Track of the Moon Beast 06/13/99
1008 Final Justice 06/20/99
1009 Hamlet 06/27/99

1008 Final Justice A Best Brains Production
Transcripts by S0lCrow@aol.com
Segment 1
Segment 2
Segment 3
Segment 4
Segment 5
1008.wav "You son of a...!" -Pollermo
"What?" -Mike
"What's he the son of? A preacher man? Son of, son of a sailor, maybe?" -Servo
1008a.wav "You see, Mr. Pollermo's been a major source of embarassment to the Italian government." -Geronimo
"That's hard to do." -Mike


Segment 1

Mike: I tell you who's funny, Crow! Crow is the cut-up around here.
Servo: Don't drink milk and talk to this fellow, or it will come out your nose!
Crow: Oh, come on!
Pearl: Look, shut up! Okay, why don't we start with an illustration of how humor can lighten up a stressful situation. Brain Guy?
Observer: Oh, sure. Excuse me Pearl, business, business, deadline, merger, merger, stock option...
Pearl: I'm sorry, what was that? I was busy having eyeballs that won't stay in their sockets!
Pearl, Bobo and Observer: Hahahahaha!
Pearl: Do you begin to see how creativity can lead to productivity?
Servo: Well, no, I... just kinda depressed
Crow: Yeah, mostly I feel sad and achy.
Pearl: Well, I'm glad you had fun. Bobo, let's send them their movie, "Final Justice", starring the deceptive Joe Don Baker.
Bobo: As soon as I'm done wearing big, funny, goofy teeth.
Pearl: Hey! Get to work! What the hell do you think this is? Clown College? You make me puke!
Crow: Wow, I'm terrified, and delighted!
Servo: Woo-hoo!
Mike: Movie Sign!
Crow: Uh oh!

Segment 2

Servo: Okay, hang on, check this out. K, watch, see, and, there!
Crow: Wa-how!
Servo: Same shot used twice!
Crow: Continuity? Uh-uh! Hey Mike, come in here, you gotta see this!
Servo: It's time to complain to Pearl. Hey Pearl, these movies you send us.
Pearl: Oh good one Nel-dork. What do you want? I'm busy.
Servo: Look at that, Mike's tripping, Pearl!
Pearl: Yeah, again. What's his problem?
Servo: Ya see, sometimes Mike just trips.
Pearl: Uh huh, would ya get him to stop?
Servo: This is just one of those times.
Pearl: Oh, I see, you're complaining. You're making the point that once in a while these movies leave a little something to beef.
Servo: Can't talk now, Mike's tripping!
Pearl: Look, I get it.
Servo: I'll get back to you, Mike's tripping!
Pearl: Okay, fine. Now can I...
Servo: Sorry, Mike's tripping, gotta go!
Pearl: I get the point, would you stop and let me...
Servo: What's that you say? Mike's tripping!
Pearl: Okay! I promise will ever send another bad movie with Joe Don Baker in which a dark-haired sheriff in a small role gets shot and dies down a wall twice! Okay? Happy?
Servo: Hehe, all right!
Crow: Well, it was hard, but it was worth it.
Mike: Yup, we'll be right back. Nice job. Woah!
Crow: Mike's tripping.

Segment 3

Goosio: Goosio, Goosio, Goosio. Did you know I'm Goosio? Friend to Maltese children everywhere-io. Goosio, Goosio, Goosio.
Crow: Oh I get it. He's Goosio. Hmm. Adorable.
Servo: Yeah. Friend to Maltese children everywhere-io.
Crow: Yup. Goosio. Like in the movie.
Servo: This must be of the sick and perverted mind of...
Crow and Servo: Mike Nelson.
Crow: God, I hate cute.
Servo: Well, Crow, only one thing to do.
Crow: Yup.
Crow and Servo: Get him!
Goosio: Oh, why you hurt Goosio?
Crow: Make paste out of you.
Goosio: Goosio loves all...
Crow and Servo: Hehehehe.
Goosio: Goos... i...
Crow and Servo: Hehehehe.
Mike: Hey guys, what's go... What happened? Aah! Aah!
Servo: Oh come on Nelson, it's your annoying gob of paper mache which you so ingratiatingly called "Goosio".
Mike: No, this is Goosio, the beloved folk hero and TV star of Malta. Goosio was sent up here as a good will ambassador. He teaches children lessons about love and sharing and hygiene, and... and you killed him.
Crow: Sorry, Mike.
Servo: Yeah and uh, sorry Malta. Hehe.
Crow: We try to destroy things that are specifically yours.
Servo: Movie Sign.
Crow: Goosio!

Segment 4

Crow: Ah, thank you for coming. I'm ready to present my report on Malta. Malta, a nation and a country. Malta is a small archipelago in the Mediterranean Sea near Sicily. The Knights of St. John founded Malta in the Middle Ages. Industries are shipbuilding, manufacturing and tourism.
Servo: Hmm, that's nice.
Mike: Well, thank you Crow, that was very informative.
Crow: Well that's all the hard data, now on to the good stuff. It's interesting to note that the country's population of 350,000 contains more women than men. Especially since the men are so womany in the first place.
Mike: Uh, Crow?
Crow: Hang on, Mike. It's no wonder that Malta is one of the most conquered isles in history, what with the Maltese men who consistently wet themselves, and surrender at the site of anyone remotely bigger than them.
Servo: Now this is interesting!
Crow: You bet. This population of so called "men" is known throughout the world as a gaggle of flaccid ninnies whose delicate fingers can barely hold up their stinky Maltese cigarettes.
Mike: Crow, what are you saying?
Crow: Wait, it gets better. Famous for breath so bad it could melt steel, these greasy, goat-loving mamma's boys are known to the European communities for having the tiniest, most shriveled up...
Mike: Okay, Crow. Alright stop, please.
Crow: What, Mike? Come on, don't tell me you're going to defend these witless, tight-shirted, clouds of walking B.O.?
Mike: Okay, listen. Stop it. Okay, there must be something wrong here. Lemme take a look at ya.
Servo: Since when have you had this seething hatred of Maltese men?
Crow: Well, ever since I was a little boy, Servo. Some forgotten Maltese horror deeply wounded my tender, young psyche.
Servo: Uh, you were never a little boy, Crow. You were built in space.
Crow: Well that's pretty traumatic. Maybe I was built by some sweaty, tiny-batched, Maltese capitulator.
Mike: Okay, stop it now. I think I found the problem, I think there's a tiny flaw in the coating substructure of the wrist-processor.
Crow: No doubt put there by a lisping, cheese-gourd Maltese unit.
Mike: Alright, I'll just uh, swap this out and you should be right as rain. Okay? Alright uh, there we go. There uh, now uh, Crow? What do you think about Maltese men?
Crow: Uh, who? Maltese men? I don't know, I never really met one.
Mike: There we go, back to normal. Uh, we'll be right back.
Crow: Oh! Maltese men! Well me tell you about those puking hairy-neck freaks!

Segment 5

Gypsy: Ten seconds and counting!
Crow: What?
Servo: What's going on here Gyps'?
Gypsy: Seven seconds and oh, it's so sad, so sad.
Crow: What? Woah, Mike!
Mike: I'm ready, you guys! Boy, I can't wait to see Spooner, Wisconsin again. Servo, Crow, Gypsy, so long! I love you guys!
Servo: Mike, what are you doing in there?
Mike: Well, it's my turn to escape. Joel got to go right after he saw a really bad Joe Don Baker movie, so I just figured...
Crow: Poor Mike.
Mike: Well anyway, I left you a plaque with an inspirational poem on it. It's from my favorite movie: "Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo". "Though you are small and white, your wheels are silver..."
Servo: Mike.
Mike: "...and the always inspire me..."
Servo: Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike...
Mike: "...in the way that..."
Servo: Mike! I'm sorry buddy, but you're not going anywhere.
Crow: Nope.
Mike: But I've suffered through a really bad Joe Don Baker movie.
Servo: Unrelated, Mike. Sorry. You see, Gypsy sent Joel back to Earth in an escape pod she hid in a box of Hamdingers. There are no more escape pods, Mike!
Crow: You do know that you're sitting in the water heater don't you?
Mike: Yeah, I know.
Servo: Come on upstairs, honey. We'll make you some Swiss Miss.
Mike: How about if we see a really good Joe Don Baker movie?
Crow: Well I think I can guarantee you that's never going to happen, Mike. Pearl's calling.
Servo: Poor fellow.
Crow: Really.
Pearl: See now that's funny, Nelson. Pretending you're stupid enough to think you could ever escape me. And here's something else we recommend to keep those chuckles coming at the office: Funny Dress Up Day. Workers are more light-hearted because they are wearing whimsical expressions of full individuality. For instance, I'm wearing wacky mismatched colors. Whee. And Bobo, what do you have on?
Bobo: Well Lawgiver, I went ahead on and took a cue from Joe Don Baker. Heck, everyday is Funny Dress Up Day for him! Wahoo!
Pearl: The resemblance is uncanny.
Bobo: Oh my.
Pearl: Why and here comes Brain Guy! My, my, you went all out for Funny Dress Up Day.
Observer: Um, funny what?
Pearl: Your outfit.
Observer: Oh yes! No, no, no. I just have a date tonight. Don't wait up.
Pearl: Nothing will ever be funny again.
Bobo: Mother!

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