||Blood Waters of Dr. Z
||Boggy Creek II
||Track of the Moon Beast
Mike: Hi, everyone. Welcome to the Cub Den of Love.
Mike: We were just having our den meeting.
Crow: Bobcats! Do or die!
Mike: Crow, why don't you tell them what we've done so far.
Crow: Well, we worked on, then gave up on our Pinewood Derby car, finished the pipe-cleaner owl, crafted a macaroni replica of Van Gogh's self-portrait with bandaged ear, and we... sang a song about trees.
Mike: Right. And uh, hey where's Tom through all this, anyway?
Mike: Uh, Tom, I don't quite know how to tell you this, but uh...
Crow: You're a Brownie, Tom.
Servo: I know I'm a Brownie. I'm not stupid, ya know. Geez.
Mike: Well, Brownie doesn't really work with the whole Cub Scout thingy, does it?
Crow: Yeah, I think it's illegal.
Servo: Look, you try wearing little shorts over a Hoverskirt. I got a great deal on this at Value Village. And besides, it's quite free. Hehehe. Now are we gonna eat cupcakes and play wall ball or what?
Mike: We'll be right back.
Servo: Just think of me as a Shebelow.
Crow: Uh, no.
Mike: And uh, nice use of ziddi for the hat. I think that gives it a real...
Crow: Uh, now what the hell are you?
Servo: Hey, back off, okay?!
Servo: It's my Flemish glassblower costume. I bought it; I wanted to get some use out of it.
Mike: Take it easy, man.
Servo: I grabbed it out of the bin. It was on sale. What, you'd rather I grabbed the Spanish cortizan get-up?
Mike: Uh, Pearl's calling.
Servo: I mean, come on.
Pearl: Hello, Mike, Flemish glassblower. In my quest to become a fully-accredited mad scientist, I've overlooked some of the simpler experiments that got me interested in mad scientistivism... Brain Bowl, help me out here. What?
Observer: Mad scientistologimy. Uh, no-no... Mad scientabulanism.
Pearl: Yeah, yeah. Okay, right. For instance, you take a potato, push a 4-inch piece of zinc wire into one end, a 4-inch piece of copper wire into the other end. You now have a crude battery. Next, get your assistant to cut power to all the major cities of the world.
Observer: Cutting power to New York, London, Tokyo, Fond du Lac...
Pearl: Send your talking monkey out to buy hundreds of tons of potatoes, control the world's supply of power, and soon you will control the Universe! It's that easy! Hahahaha!
Bobo: I'm back!
Pearl: Yes, where are they, my precious?
Bobo: What, the... Oh! You wanted me to get you something, didn't ya?
Bobo: Well, I was at the club and I got distracted by these delicious smoothies!
Pearl: Potatoes, you idiot, potatoes!
Bobo: Oh, that's it! That's why I got a potato smoothie.
Pearl: Oh, we're ruined... ruined. Unless, Mike, you're huge and pink. You must have potatoes around there.
Servo: Let's see... Nope, nope.
Mike: Uh, no. Oh, you know I had one I was saving, but uh, it's pretty soft and the eyes are all grown out.
Crow: Eww! Plus, the one side is all mushy and green. Uck.
Pearl: I don't care. Uh, Brain Guy, send it down quick. Yes, triumph is mine! This potato will power the satellite link, allowing me to announce to the world...
Bobo: Eww, squishy.
Pearl: Oh, nevermind. Brain Guy, send them the movie, "Boggy Creek II: And the Legend Continues."
Pearl: And you better restore power to all the world's capitols and send them a note of apology and a box of steaks.
Bobo: You know, my smoothie gives me great power!
Pearl: Oh, just hit yourself.
Observer: Dear Boston, sorry about cutting off the power. Please accept this box of steaks as a recompense...
Servo: Uh, Pearl? I've got plenty of frozen okra!
Crow: And rutabegas conduct electricity.
Mike: We're not gonna eat this white hominy if you'd like that.
Servo: D'oh, Movie Sign!
Mike: We gotta run.
Mike: Hey, hey, hey you two! C'mon, what are you fighting about?
Crow: Knock it off, you big lizard!
Servo: You knock it off too, you big grown elf.
Crow: Um, I don't know.
Servo: The usual, I guess.
Mike: Well... Oh, now you made me forget what I came up here for.
Crow: Well I'll help you, Mike. I'll just use a flashback like in the movie. It was fifteen or twenty seconds ago. I remember it like it was just yesterday. Servo and I were fighting about God knows what. Then you came in and separated us. After a smattering of dialogue, you discovered that you'd forgot why you're here. There. That should take care of it for you, Mike.
Mike: Well, your flashback was a little sketchy in that it told me nothing.
Servo: Here, let me give it a shot. Ahem. It was a few years back, long before Crow's flashback. I saw two well-muscled Olympian figures locked in gymnasius sport. Suddenly, the Kraken appeared, casting the us unto the two demigods and then engaging them in a Socratic symposium on the very civilitude of memory. Uh, and then it starts to get a bit hazy.
Crow: That's amazing, Servo! You're better than that guy who wrote that thing about remembering stuff.
Servo: Thank you.
Mike: Okay, spread out, you two knotty, painted mushrooms. I'll show you what actually happened. Okay, there's these two objects... I can't quite... Uh, oh. Okay, now a big, blue shadow is... Man, this is awful. I can't make heads or tails out of... Oh, wait a minute! I just figured it out. I remembered. I came up here to get my contacts.
Servo: Hahaha! Of course! It all makes sense now.
Mike: We'll be right back.
Crow: Hey, next time I'm gonna have a car chase in my flashback.
Mike: Okay, Gypsy.
Gypsy: You guys, Pearl's calling! You guys, Pearl's calling! You guys, Pearl's calling! You guys, Pearl's calling! You guys, Pearl's calling! You guys, Pearl's calling! You guys, Pearl's...
Gypsy: Pearl's calling.
Mike: Thank you. Yes, what now?
Pearl: Mike, Crow, Servo, Gypsy, Mike. I don't want to frighten you, but there's a huge, mysterious monster of some sort lurking...
Mike: Oh, Bobo.
Pearl: His mighty odor preceeds him.
Pearl: Traces of his scat left like small gifts. Oh!
Pearl: Stop that. The point is, you get a legend, you get lumpy tourists spending their disposable incomes. So, to get it all going, country legend Hank "Brain Guy" Jr. has penned a haunting, evocative song about said beast.
Observer: You put around these parts long enough and you might hear tell of some skulkin' creature wanderin' around a wooly swamp, hairy and beastlike. Said in a messy heap of trouble among the good folks livin' up yonder. Now some folks don't pay no mind other folks say it don't mean no harm. You ask miss ViteyLou, she'll look away with her bad eye and she'll look at you straight on with her good eye and she'll tell you she don't know nothing about it. But then she gives you a little shudder like she might. She might just know something 'bout it. Gather 'round, all ye friends and neighbors and kin, there's a creature who lives in the swamp. That's it.
Pearl: So clearly, there is some sort of creature. We really haven't hammered out all the details. Uh, please excuse us now. We have to get busy making keychains, t-shirts, little plastic figurines. Bye.
Mike, Crow, Servo and Gypsy: Bobo.
Pearl: Shut up! Back into the theater!
Crow: She's everywhere.
Mike: Servo, what are you doing?
Servo: Okay, let's move 'em out!
Servo: Oh, I've taken up whittling, Mike.
Mike: Oh, whittling. Like the guy in the movie.
Servo: Well, not exactly. No. You see, whittling technology has been stagnant, se we saw an opportunity. Moved in, bought a little outfit in Kentucky... Why has that line stopped? I don't care! Get it going! Well, now we've got 14,000 employees and 23 plants, mostly overseas. I've still got the one in the States. PR, ya know?
Mike: Wow. You know, all this machinery, all these people, and what do you make?
Servo: Well, listen. The product has always been good. We have not altered the product at all. We provide the same stick that's a little narrower at one end. Go ahead, keep that one.
Servo: Oh, that's Brazilian mahogany, by the way. Whittles fairly well.
Mike: Brazilian mahogany? Servo, you're decimating the rain forest to make these?
Servo: Listen, Sting, you wanna see the cost figures?
Mike: Uh, you know... I guess I gotta say, it's uh, sorta lost some of the charm, some of the folksiness that...
Servo: Yeah, hold on. Hey, get back to work! Oh yeah sure, like that's gonna happen. Hey, call the Pinkertons for me will you, Mike? I gotta go get the hose.
Mike: Uh, we'll be right back.
Servo: Yeah, you. Take a swim, you wuss!
Mike: Hey, Crow. Uh, hey permit me to ask what may be a stupid question...
Crow: Oh, lord o' mercy. I gotta tend to my fires. Well hey, cousin.
Crow: You go right ahead, boy.
Mike: Uh, why are you yet again setting fire to the bridge?
Crow: Well, you finally caught on, old man. I gots me a baby critter! And I'm trying to keep his big ol' mama critter away so you can patch 'im up.
Mike: Ah, you gots you a baby what?
Servo: Hey, I'm gettin' bored lyin' in the straw in there, Crow. I don't wanna play captive baby Boggy Creek creature and big, smelly mountain man anymore.
Crow: Yeah, I'm kinda tired of it, too.
Crow: Hey, let's go play wounded baby unicorn and skinny, sociopathic janitor!
Mike: Hey guys, could you put out the fire first before you uh, get to... Oh, Pearl's calling. Could... It's really rather big! Could you... guys, I need a hand...
Pearl: Hello, Nel-slob, and welcome to our Legend of Forrester Swamp tourist gift shop. Ooh, our first customer!
Observer: Hello and welcome to Everything's Legend of Forrester Swamp. How may I help you, young moppet?
Kid: My mama thinks she saw him in the swamp once, Mr. White Guy. I saved up so as I can get her something for her birthday to remember that.
Pearl: Uh, Brain Guy, go do the shelving in the stock room.
Observer: But I need the commission.
Pearl: Scram. Well uh, small person, did you know that scientists calculate the creature's believability rating as quite high?
Pearl: Yes, but sadly, no one has ever had a face-to-face encounter with one of these mythological... beasts...
Bobo: Lawgiver, can I get out of my room? It's boring being a legend.
Kid: Hey, he's just a talking gorilla.
Pearl: No, he's...
Kid: What's the big deal about a talking gorilla?
Bobo: I dunno.
Pearl: Not really...
Kid: You tried to trick my mommy.
Pearl: No, no...
Kid: You're a bad lady.
Kid: And you're a stupid legend!
Bobo: Oh yeah, well so are you, kid! Haha. Really zinged it to that little brat, huh? Hey, funny seeing you in pain for a change, Lawgiver! I tell ya, nothing hurts quite like gettin' kicked in the ankle, does it? Ow!
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