Experiments MSTies Anonymous SOL Post The Club MSTie Net



1004 Future War 04/25/99
1005 Blood Waters of Dr. Z 05/02/99
1006 Boggy Creek II 05/09/99



1005 Blood Waters of Dr. Z A Best Brains Production
Prologue
Segment 1
Segment 2
Segment 3
Segment 4
Segment 5
1005.wav "...He's learned to modulate his flatulence." -Crow 54k



Prologue


Crow: Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Oh. Oh, hi. Crow T. Robot here on the Satellite of Love, enjoying the great taste and satisfaction that only smokeless tobacco can bring. P'too. Damn. Just gotta work on my aim a little. P'too. D'oh. Damn.
Mike: Hey, Crow. What's up?
Crow: Flavor, Mike! Have a dip. Try the Kodiak Polar Ice Melt Menthol. P'too. Damn.
Mike: Crow, this is disgusting! Look at there's tobacco juice everywhere.
Crow: Well, you're just jealous 'cause I can enjoy full-flavor wherever I go. Say, you need me to get a shot out or bring down a mule deer?
Mike: Uh, no. Hey, which uh, pop can is mine? Do you know?
Crow: Hell, I dunno. Just jiggle 'em all. There's alot of satisfaction in those cans, Mike.
Mike: Yeah. I think I'll just pass, thanks.
Crow: Oh, I got a big load here. Hang on... P'too. Woah. Right down into your shoe, Mike. Heh. Oh.
Mike: We'll be right back.
Crow: Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Oh relax, Mike! You just gotta learn to cope! P'too. Bingo!


Segment 1


Crow: Oh. Oh. There, Mike. I've clearly labelled them. Now you don't have to worry about accidentally drinking my spittle.
Mike: Okay.
Servo: Oh. Man, have you guys tried this Crow's Tobacco Juice brand pop? It's not that good.
Mike: I'm gonna let Pearl talk while I go vomit. Alright? Okay.
Crow: You know, the good stuff's on the bottom.
Servo: Oh, really?
Observer: Okay, Pearl, here we go. Ah. That's it, that's it. You've got the power. Ah! Haha. Okay. Dig now. Find it, find it. Ah. Oh!
Pearl: Okay, home-sliced. Time for me to inflict some really cruel experiment on you and time for you to be a hapless, irredeemable moron.
Mike: Well, okay. Hey!
Pearl: This week, a variant on Dr. Harry Harlowe's famous maternal love deprivation experiments on monkeys. Only I don't use monkeys; I use you poor saps. And I begin withholding love... now! Huh? How do you like them apples?
Crow: Hmm.
Servo: No, no. It's status-quo up here, Pearl!
Crow: Yup.
Servo: Sorry.
Observer: Oh. Uh, Pearl, I'm afraid the efficacy of the experiment depends on you first administering love and then later withholding it.
Pearl: Oh. So all's I got to do is show them love first, huh?
Observer: Right.
Pearl: Okay. Love, love, love... Is that where you find the least common denominator and add the numerators?
Observer: That would be adding fractions, I'm afraid.
Pearl: Well, is it where you melt the butter and stir the flour and the salt, adding eggs one at a time in the saucepan until it's ready to...
Observer: No, no. That's your recipe for puff pastry.
Pearl: Oh, I know what love is! I saved some stuff.
Observer: Yeah. Coming up.
Pearl: This, to me, represents love. Send it up, cream-face.
Observer: Love.
Crow: Huh?
Mike: Oh. Huh. So this is Pearl's love, huh?
Servo: Yeah.
Mike: A staple remover...
Servo: A pawn shop receipt for a 10-guage shotgun.
Mike: Wow.
Crow: A bottle of Fleischmann's lemon-flavored gin.
Servo: Ooh, yummy.
Mike: Uh, twelve hot-pads.
Crow: And an alternator. Wow, Pearl really does love us!
Servo: Hehe.
Mike: Aah!
Servo: Aah!
Crow: No love! Love is gone!
Servo: Wow.
Crow: So lost... Feeling panicky... No sense of self. Developing stress disorder an inability to work with others...
Mike: Pearl, please stop torturing Crow. Give us your love back, please!
Crow: Where is love?
Pearl: Oh, alright. Here's all my love back. Just take it; I don't even care!
Observer: Oh. And while you're at it, take a hug from the warm and nurturing film "The Blood Waters of Dr. Z."
Crow: Love, love... Woah!
Mike: Oh, there we go.
Crow: Love!
Servo: There ya go, kid.
Crow: Sweet, hot-pad love.
Mike: There ya go.
Crow: She does love me.
Mike: Oh, Movie Sign!
Servo: Gotta go!
Crow: Bye, love.


Segment 2


Crow: Saddlesoap, cleaning compound of deceit. Shoe-polishing human, soon you will pay. A life of cleaning, scrubbing, polishing your shoe. At just the right moment, attack!
Mike: Uh, can I help you, Crow?
Crow: Hehehe. How I loathe you.
Mike: That's nice.
Crow: Haha. They think I'm insane. They're the ones who are insane! Soon, there will be shoes the size they've never seen before! Who, who like human flesh! And then at just the right moment, attack!
Mike: Crow, come on down from there.
Crow: Sargasm...
Mike: Would you just come down?
Crow: Oh, I'll come down, you skulking bi-ped. But I am... seem to have gotten wedged in the bulkhead here. But no matter! For soon it will be you who becomes wedged in the bulkhead of my plan! If uh, you could just give me a hand here, Mike.
Mike: Oh. Yeah, sure. Hang on. Let me see if I can get you down here...
Crow: Ah, yes. My friend, the squeegee. I love you. Uh, now if you could just uh, pry me out of here, Mike. Oh, no... Aaaaaah!
Mike: Wow.
Crow: Yes, now I am in many pieces. But soon those pieces will grow and grow...
Mike: We'll be right back.
Crow: It is I who will be right back, to rule the Universe! Ow. Ow.


Segment 3


Mike: Yup. Nothing like taking the rest of the day off to do a little fishin', huh?
Crow: Yup. Perfect day for orbiting right above Bass Lake.
Mike: Yup.
Servo: Yup, yup, yup. Hey, anyone else up for another Limey's?
Crow: Hey, good idea there, Mike. Usin' a woolopopper?
Mike: Yes, sir! Look out, sonnies.
Servo: Hehehe.
Mike: Hey uh, Cambot, give me Rocket Number Nine, would ya?
Servo: Yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup.
Mike: Yup. Good day for it.
Crow: Yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup. Woah!
Mike: Woah!
Servo: Woah, looks like you got somethin' there, buddy.
Crow: Woah.
Mike: Yup.
Crow: Loosen the drag there, Mike. There ya go.
Mike: Oh. Alright.
Servo: There you go. Let 'er run out a little bit there. Oh, yeah. That's a way, that's a way.
Crow: That's good, that's good. Let him tire himself out.
Servo: Woah, woah... Careful. Don't let him go around the motor there.
Crow: No, no, no.
Servo: Yup, looks like you almost got him there, Mikey.
Crow: Uh, anytime there, Nelson.
Mike: He's a fighter.
Servo: Oh, yeah.
Crow: Woah, woah...
Servo: Any old time.
Mike: Yup. It's a long way. Woah. Woo.
Crow: Woah, Nellie! What kinda lure you usin' there? A grenade, or...?
Mike: Well, sometimes when you bring 'em through high orbit, they'll freeze and go through explosive decompression.
Servo: Woah. That'll wreck your catch.
Mike: Yup.
Servo: Better throw it back.
Mike: Yup.
Crow: Yup.
Mike: Yup. Just give 'im a chance. There ya go, buddy.
Crow: Sure was a beaut', though. Musta been thirty, sixty pounds?
Mike: Yup. Woulda looked good above the fireplace.
Crow: Oh, yeah.
Servo: So, wanna head over by Round Lake, see what they're bitin' on there?
Mike: Yeah, absolutely. Oh, better reel 'em up there, fellers. We got Movie Sign.
Servo: Okay, real good then.


Segment 4


Servo: I just don't get it, Mike. You seem so reasonable most of the time.
Crow: And yet you refuse to concede that most scenes in most movies would be far better...
Servo: ...more interesting with more subtext and emotional weight...
Crow: ...if the actors were nude.
Mike: I'm sorry, I just can't accept that.
Servo: Uh. Brain Guy, Bobo? We need ya.
Observer: Yeah?
Servo: We're having that same problem with Mike again. Could you help us prove to him that any scene is played better nude?
Observer: Oh, sure. Uh, something from Glen Garry Glen Ross, perhaps?
Bobo: Sounds good.
Observer: Sales meeting or that scene between Shelly and Moss?
Bobo: Oh, either one.
Observer: Okay.
Mike: Hey. Hey, wait a minute. Don't I get to see the scene not nude first? You know, I mean with clothes on?
Crow: Mike, what is your deal? Everyone has to have clothes on all the time. Boy.
Servo: Just go ahead, you guys.
Bobo: Okay. So, you're saying you gotta go in there and...
Observer: You.
Bobo: I'm sorry?
Observer: You.
Bobo: Me.
Observer: You have to go in. You have to get the leads.
Bobo: I do?
Observer: And scene. Is there anything else you'd like us to do uh, nude?
Crow: Uh, no. That, that was fine. Thank you. So, Mike, are you convinced?
Mike: Frankly... no.
Servo: Well, Crow, maybe that wasn't the scene to convince a nude skeptic. I mean, it was good and they were nude, but...
Crow: Yeah.
Mike: You know, isn't it just possible, you guys, that what really want to see is nude women?
Crow: Oh! Maybe, yeah! Um, hey Pearl!
Mike: No! Shh! No! She'll kill us. No.
Servo: We just wanna ask her if she'd be nude.
Mike: No, no. No, no, no. We'll be right back.


Segment 5


Servo: Well, Mike, I don't know why you're so skeptical.
Crow: Yes. I happen to think the fish man was really on to something.
Mike: I'm sorry. I just don't see the need...
Servo: Okay, okay, okay. Just imagine: you're boarding a plane to Detroit and you wanna take your honeydew melon along as a carry-on. Are you gonna risk having it mis-handled or crushed in the overhead compartment? No! But there's no need to worry with this handy, lightweight, honeydew melon carrier.
Mike: Okay. I think I get the point.
Crow: Or say you're taking scuba lessons in Baja, but you want to take a tasty bundt cake for a mid-lesson pick-me-up.
Servo: Yum.
Crow: Why risk a soggy, salt-water-drenched baked good when you can simply pop it in this attractive and watertight bundt cake carrying case?
Mike: Yes, okay. I think I get the point there.
Servo: You've stayed up all night making yourself a delicious crown roast for your lunch break tomorrow.
Crow: Ah.
Servo: But what if, suddenly as you carry it in your arms to work, a freak storm of basketball-sized hail breaks out and rips your carefully-prepared meat dish to shreds? You'd probably wish you'd bought one of these double re-enforced crown roast tote containers.
Mike: Okay. I think I get the point.
Crow: You're crawling on your belly through the Phillipine jungle, parched, snake-bitten, and near-death. But you don't want to leave your 20-footlong party sub behind!
Mike: Oh, hey! Pearl's calling. Alright, well...
Crow: The cut of cola, the bread, the cut of salami, the pepperocinni and the big slabs of fermento will still survive the trip even if you do not.
Mike: Okay.
Crow: As long as you...
Pearl: Nelson, nothing cranks up my evil mad scientist thing more than a good fish monster movie. Behold what I have wrought: I give you the mer-monkey! Using a giant grouper, a shnouzer, and my sewing kit, I have created a hideous monster that will strike terror into the hearts of seafaring men! Haha! And I'm sure, you know, I can do something further with that.
Barnicle Bob: Arr, I be hearin' a siren song from ye, my fair maiden.
Bobo: Harumph!
Barnicle Bob: Arr, I stand rejected.
Pearl: Oh. Not the effect I intended; Bobo's mermaiden apparently attracts lonely, rugged sailor men... Hmm... Will now be testing on self. Bobo, give me that lower fish torso back!
Bobo: Okay.



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