||Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders
||Blood Waters of Dr. Z
Crow: Okay, 26 columns, enter.
Mike: Hi, everyone. Welcome to the SOL. Lately, Gypsy's been wondering if she's once, twice, maybe even three times a lady.
Gypsy: As a woman, I'm naturally curious.
Mike: Right. So Crow here came up with a spreadsheet program that will answer that very question.
Crow: Okay, using centered Diane Feinstein as a baseline...
Servo: Since she is exatly one time a lady.
Crow: Right. We enter Gypsy there and... the answer is, you're 2.7 times a lady.
Crow: Oh no, that's not bad. Sure, Winona is 3.3 times a lady...
Crow: ...but Nina Totenberg is only 2 and a half.
Crow: And Melissa Ethridge is well, pretty low. Gillian Anderson herself is only a 2.9!
Crow: Yes say, look at this. It says that Mike here is eight times a lady!
Mike: What? What am I even doing in there?
Crow: Let me take a look at you there, Mike. Ooh, yeah. I see it. I see it.
Mike: Cut it out. We'll be right back. I'm no times a lady.
Servo: Hey, what are you doing with your fine self on Saturday?
Mike: I am not a lady. Not at all.
Servo: I'm seeing a little...
Pearl: Oh, hi. Uh, Mike is it? Anywho, nothing much going on around here except the government's asked me to do some secred LSD tests on robots. Okay, the government's not really involved. They're just my secret LSD tests. Now Brain Guy sent up some stuff so that I can monitor the results.
Servo: Mike, relax. Even being a hundred times a lady isn't a bad thing!
Crow: You should know, you big woman.
Servo: What's that supposed to mean, you giant lady?
Crow: Why, I oughtta...
Mike: Oh, speaking of ladies uh, sorta... Whatcha got for us, Pearl?
Observer: Right on!
Pearl: Eh, Mike, do Pearl a little favor and hook up the video coax cables so I can monitor the robots' hallucinations.
Mike: Uh, okay Pearl. It looks like we're set up here.
Pearl: Now I'm not going to tell you how you'll be ingesting the LSD; it's a secret. Who wants vegetables? You do, you do! Hey, Brain Guy. Now, to heighten the effect, Bobo and Brain Guy have come up with their own little garage band to play some of the psychedelic music that all the kids are talking about these days. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Narcotic Casserole. Now let's see what's going on with those little pea-brains of yours!
Mike: Mmm, okay. We've got these vegetables here so uh, let's switch it to video feed. Servo, Servo... What are you...? Oh, what a nightmare! Are you okay?
Servo: What, that? That's what I see everyday! Hehehe.
Mike: Let's check in on Crow here. How are you doing?
Crow: Oh. Beta-carotine... Plenty of fiber... Powerful hallucinogens...
Mike: Okay uh, let's switch it to video feed, then.
Crow: Oh! Oh, no! Uh... Aah! Aah! It's... Before it was a Milky Way, and now, now it's a Snickers!
Crow: Make it stop! Make it stop!
Mike: Crow, it's okay! Let me talk you down. It's okay. It's alright. It's alright.
Mike: Thanks alot, Pearl.
Servo: Yeah, Pearl, I hope you're happy.
Pearl: I am happy. Robot misidentified candy bar. Now, your movie today is a little tab of orange sunshine called "Future War." We have a word for this kind of film in the ellicit pharmacology business: crap.
Mike: What? Crow, you're hallucinating a clown.
Crow: You mean you're not... a clown? Or...
Mike: Oh, no. We got Movie Sign.
Servo: Movie Sign.
Servo: Oh, get that ham up there.
Mike: Okay, Tom. There ya go. There's your new legs, but I don't think they're going to be very functional.
Servo: That's okay. Thanks, Mike. Hello, folks. You may be wondering why I'm not kickboxing right now. I apologize. You have every right to expect constant kickboxing! But the truth is, until recently, I had no legs. However, I just remedied that by actually making myself some! Haha. So get ready for some hot kickboxing action! The first poor schmo who comes along is going to get a taste of my Ashley Judd-like kickboxing wrath. Hehehehe.
Gypsy: You shook me all night long...
Servo: Ah, a challenger.
Gypsy: Hi, Tom.
Servo: Ha! You dare to oppose me, strange top-heavy purple one?
Servo: Prepare to be kickboxed by my new legs!
Gypsy: I don't wanna fight, Tom. I like you.
Servo: You will fight, coward! Ah! Gosh dang it. C'mon, legs!
Gypsy: They're pretty new legs, Tom.
Servo: Fawning flattery will not help you! Dumb, stupidey, stinky legs! Whoa! Ah! Ow! Oh, boy! Oh, geez. Just a temporary setback.
Gypsy: Do you need help, Tom?
Servo: No! Don't get... Ah. Whew. There. Now stop your pathetic delaying tactics. I insist you fight me, weakling!
Gypsy: Oh. If you want. Okay, Tom.
Servo: Oh, oh boy... Look...
Servo: But I thought you didn't have legs either!
Gypsy: Just made it today. Neat, huh? We'll be right back. I should make another one.
Voice: Satellite killer launch. Six... 5... 4... 3... 2...
Mike: Hey you know what, guys? We have been remiss.
Servo: I know what you're thinking.
Mike: Yeah. You know we have never, like in the movie, thanked Pearl for not killing us. Not once!
Crow: Well, let's do it. Right now.
Mike: Yeah. Hello, Pearl?
Pearl: Yeah? What?
Mike: Well uh, Pearl, I don't know how else to say this. Uh, thank you for not killing us.
Pearl: Uh? Well that's okay. I would never... kill... Brain Guy? You.
Observer: What, what, what, what?
Pearl: Get over here...
Mike: Well you know, things get pretty tense between us. I mean, with one thing or another... I mean, you could easily have killed us.
Crow: And you didn't do that. So... So thanks.
Pearl: Really, that's okay. I... guess... I just take it for granted that I would never... How do you turn the rocket?
Observer: First you said you wanted to kill them, then you say you don't want to kill them. What am I supposed to do?
Pearl: Well I can't kill them now. Really, don't think a second thing about it.
Observer: We were supposed to kill Mike and the 'Bots today. God.
Mike: Um, anything you guys want to add?
Servo: No, I don't think so. Just thanks for not killing us.
Pearl: Yeah, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Bobo: But, but, but aren't you killing them now?
Bobo: They thanked you for not killing them, but you're killing them and... Oh!
Observer: There! Ready.
Mike: Well, I guess that's about it. Just thanks for not killing...
Mike: Oh. Hey!
Servo: Hey, you tried to kill us!
Mike: What the...
Pearl: No! I didn't! No. Never.
Bobo: Yes you did. Ow.
Mike: Well, I think this changes everything. I suppose there are other times you tried to kill us, too. Oh, now we got Movie Sign. Can I even trust that? I dunno.
Crow: I'm Droppy the Water Droplet, here to talk to you about water, nature's liquid.
Servo: Is this yours?
Mike: No, I thought it was... Ah!
Servo: Uh, hello.
Mike: Okay, why?
Crow: Well, in today's motion picture, much was made of the propensity of dinosaurs to gather near water.
Servo: I remember warm water.
Crow: And yet sadly, water was not featured.
Mike: Uh, that's true, but uh...
Crow: And so I've been hired by the Water Council to dispel some of the myths being propogated -- probably by jealous solids and semi-solids -- about this tremendously versatile fluid.
Mike: Oh. Well...
Servo: Now where the hell did he go?
Crow: Hi, I'm Droppy the Water Droplet.
Servo: Yes, we know.
Crow: Did you know that there are literally tens of thousands of uses for water? Here are just a few thousand. Moisten your hair with me and apply a commercial grade detergent. Lather, rinse, and repeat for a cleaner-smelling hair.
Servo: Crow, I think we're all familiar with...
Crow: Sap me from your lower atmosphere. Freeze me into multifaceted crystallized patterns. Children will enjoy my easy shapablility. Store me in huge, glass-lined tanks and allow grains of yeast to ferment in me. Then just filter, age, and bottle me for a treat that dads can't resist!
Mike: Are these in any kind of order, or...?
Crow: Sir, we've got alot of these to go through, so would you please hold your water?
Crow: Hehehe. The Water Council fed me that one. Anyway, use me in your cellular structure as an affordable building block of life itself. Store me frozen on your inefficient rooves, allowing portions of me to melt and re-freeze on your eaves in beautiful, conical shapes.
Mike: You know what, we'll uh, tell you what you missed after this.
Crow: Use me to flush toxins from your body and store me in your bladder.
Servo: Okay! That's about enough.
Mike: Yeah, that's enough now.
Mike: Hi, guys.
Mike: Notice anything?
Servo: Uh-huh. Sure, Mike.
Mike: I'm wearing a funny chin!
Crow: Now look. Just stop, would ya?
Mike: But I can't; it's big! And it's funny! I have a big chin, I have a big chin...
Servo: Don't you even care how insulting you are to the thousands of people out there who have big, prosthetic, foam chins?
Mike: Hmm... Nope! You know why? 'Cause I have a big chin! Ho, ho, ho, ho! It's big.
Servo: Sorry, everyone.
Crow: Uh, Pearl's calling, you insensitive cow.
Mike: Oh, watch this. Wow, big chih, uh.
Pearl: Good, good, good, good, good. Results show this film causes bizarre behavior without the use of hallucinogens. Brain Guy, send this report to the institute.
Observer: I don't follow you, my friend. No way.
Bobo: We're going on the road.
Observer: Too true, fair lady. Our sound is tight, you know? Bobo's lyrics are pure poetry, madam.
Bobo: Yes, we're opening the Moby Grit Reunion Tour at Santa Cruz.
Pearl: Oh. You are. How nice. Well, I have some parting gifts for both of you. These are handmade love necklaces so as you both have something special to remember me by.
Observer: Pearl, you are too, too solid for this world, man. Bobo, hit me with some lyric.
Bobo: Like a walk in the sand, I am yours... Oh!
Pearl: Now they're eight miles high.
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Back to MSTies Anonymous.