||Girl in Gold Boots
||Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders
Mike: Oh, and Crow's into the uh, flagpole sitting. I'd better check on him. How's it going up there, Crow?
Mike: Little guy, you'll be fine... Gulp! Mmm! Oh, hi everone, welcome to the Satellite of Love. Uh, as you know, we like to be as trendy as possible up here, so lately we've gotten into 1920's college pranks. I'm taking care of swallowing goldfish. Heh. And Servo here is stuffing phone booths.
Servo: Oh man, I got my face stuck in my own armpit here! Woo! Why didn't anybody tell me I smelled like gouda?
Crow: I'm cold and I'm lonely. Haven't I set the record yet?
Mike: Yes, if the old record was thirty-seven seconds.
Crow: Man, I just can't take it anymore. The isolation... I'm coming down, guys. I just gotta be careful. Woah! Woah! Woah! Aaaaah!
Mike: Gotten into some bad habits.
Servo: Woah Mike, can I borrow some of your Mitchum roll-on please?
Servo: Don't do that!
Pearl: Attention, captive test subjects! The Institute for Mad Science has sent me my first experiment to inflict on you. Now let's do it right so I can get on to the real mad scientist stuff like the pulling heads off monkeys.
Servo: Hoo! Remind me not to do that again, Mike. Mike?
Mike: Okay, Servo. I'm going for a record worth having. Now count how many large-mouth bass I swallow.
Servo: Duh, okay.
Crow: Aaaaah! Oh! Oh! Ow.
Mike: How many so far?
Servo: So far, none.
Crow: Uh, is this someone's fish?
Pearl: Oh, don't even. Oh, hmm-hmm, yes. Yes, this a variant on the very evil Zimbardo experiment. The hypothesis is is that one of you -- say Servo -- is given complete power and authority over the others...
Servo: Furthermore, those violating martial law will be torn in half by sumo wrestlers.
Mike and Crow: Hooray!
Servo: And finally, my good people, give me all your cookies and I won't have you killed.
Mike and Crow: Hooray!
Pearl: ...Person in charge will no doubt become corrupt, so we take the person in power and fill his underwear with fire ants...
Servo: F-F-F-F-Fire ants? I'm no longer fit to lead! I've come down with a sudden Junta! I relinquish my power to Mike. I'm a private citizen! You can have your damn cookies back.
Mike and Crow: Hooray!
Pearl: Ah, so we see that fire ants in the underwear can change the course of whole governments, yes. Good, good, good. And since Bobo here, as my control group, had no fire ants in his underwear, we can conclude that...
Bobo: Hang on, you said no fire ants in the underwear?
Pearl: Yes. Why?
Bobo: Damn. I gotta go change. I'll be right back. Damn!
Pearl: Well, I declare this experiment a huge success. Now, while I compile my data, I invite you to suffer through today's movie. It's called "Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders", and it's a delightful Bambi romp through a flowery fairyland of happy, harmless, froo-froo family fun for the whole family of all ages. Or is it?! Taste the rainbow of fruit pain! Hahahahahahaha!
Crow: Uh Servo, you got the keys to these chains?
Servo: Yeah yeah, I had 'em in my pocket here. I don't...
Mike: You don't have pockets!
Mike: Oh, great. We got Movie Sign.
Crow: Thanks a lot, man.
Crow: The ugly guy in the movie reviews novelty stores in seedy strip malls, and he's famous!
Crow: Uh yes, so anyway, Mike, it's clear that niche reviewing is the wave of the future!
Servo: Yeah, so we figured, why not review each other?
Servo: It'll tell the world about our delightful selves, which needs to happen, and we become famous!
Crow: Heh. I'll go first. Ahem. From the moment I saw Tom Servo, I was taken with his gay, even naughty bright red color and the unexpected clear, Pyrex dome. The little, dangly arms, though the function was unclear, added to the light-hearted feel of the experience. Flawless? No. But I recommend this Tom Servo for children and anyone looking for a bare-bones kinda robot! There ya go.
Servo: Huh. My turn? Good. Everyone's talking about the new Crow T. Robot out on Highway 6. Insouciant, eclectic, it seems to promise a kind of excitement. Yet the overall effect becomes rather more garish than fun and I left feeling altogether empty and sad.
Mike: Well, it seems like you guys are on your way with the whole niche reviewing thing, so...
Crow: Hey, hey. Hold on, Mike. Hold on. Hold on. My second visit to Tom Servo was even a greater disappointment! Loud and overpriced...
Crow: ...there was a thick, oily film coating every surface. And I can only hope that I escaped with no serious disease.
Servo: If my readers' responses are any guide, the Crow T. Robot era is coming to a close. This poorly-conceived disaster is revealed now as a spindly testament to poor taste and nausea.
Crow: The verdict is in, and the world was not awaiting a chubby, pompous unic!
Mike: Uh, we'll let these guys sort it out. We'll be right back.
Servo: Chubby? What do you mean, chubby?
Servo: I'll give you chubby. Goodbye, Crow T. Robot. Your ghastly memory still blows my mind.
Crow: Pathetic, ugly, overbearing, and stupid!
Servo: Don't be such a skeptic, Mike. It'll work once I find the right spell.
Mike: Servo, you can't levitate an egg reading off some phoney spell from a bogus Merlin book. Accept it!
Servo: Oh, you just don't believe in the mystical, wonderous powers of magical Merlin and his holy demons, Mike. Well here, this one might just work. Eenie-weenie-tipsy-teenie-ob-gob-goob-a-leenie-nick-a-nack-a-fire-crack-a-shish-koom-ba! Huh. Well, that was a bust. Ah! Aah!
Servo: Dah, nothing! Mike! I was just startled... The uh, egg didn't levitate! No!
Mike: Wow. Yeah, I don't know why you'd be surprised. I told you what you were going to get with a book of bogus spells is this... Oh! I don't know what it is. I just feel really fussy. I should put myself down.
Servo: Yeah, you should do that, Mike.
Mike: Man, yeah. Well anyway, when you're reading off of a bogus book of spells, what do you expect but... Oof! Oh, man. I don't know what it is. I guess I'm just a little collicky. Do I seem collicky?
Servo: Yeah, collicky! You sure are.
Mike: Yeah, yeah. So anyway, don't dabble with it...
Mike: Uh-oh... Someone made a present. I think it was... You wanna do the honors?
Mike: Wow, that's weird. Huh. Servo's gone and he's not right in front of my face, so means he's not coming back. That upsets me. Hmm. Wah! Heh. Wah! Hehehe. Oh, we got Movie Sign! That upsets me further. Wah!
Servo: Whatcha doin' there, Mikey-drawers?
Mike: Oh, I ordered us up the whole series of Ernest Borgnine's children's books based on the uh, movie. I dunno, I thought it might be whimsical or something.
Crow: Yeah well, bring on the whimsey, man!
Mike: Okay, well here's one called "Santa's Workshop of Shimmering Delights".
Mike: I thought that might be whimsical...
Crow: Sounds nice.
Mike: Oh, man. Wow.
Servo: What? What?
Mike: Well this is inappropriate. Now here, Aaron the Elf's hands get scissored off in the sheet-metal crimper.
Servo: Oh yeah, that's unsavory, all right.
Mike: Yeah, let's try this one: "Slow Bear's Woodland Picnic".
Mike: What could possibly go...
Servo: That could be delightful.
Mike: Wow! Holy cow. Slow Bear bashes in Charlie Chipmunk's head with a can of pork and beans.
Crow: Wow, that Borgnine is dark, man!
Servo: Hey, try "Fluffy Bunny's New Blue Suit". That sounds good.
Mike: Yeah, that sounds completely... Oh, my.
Servo: Oh! Oh, my God!
Crow: Ah! They're eating his liver! Aah!
Mike: Alright, that's it. These are all going ba... Oh, look at this one: "Dr. Blood's Orgy of Gore". What is with this guy? Man, this is...
Servo: I can't look.
Mike: Oh, this one seems fine.
Crow and Servo: What?
Mike: No... "In a little, cozy hole in the ground lived eight plump mice."
Servo: Whose eyes get poked out with apholstery needles?
Mike: No, they get little sweaters and live happily. Hehehe.
Crow: Wow. Weird.
Mike: We'll be right back.
Servo: Little sweaters, really?
Mike: Yeah, cute.
Mike: Ah well, it says, "Enjoy. Love, the soon-to-be-accredited evil mad scientist, Pearl."
Crow: Wow, look what we got! Cool!
Servo: Super cool! Who's it from? Who's it from?
Crow: Uh-oh, look at this.
Servo: Pearl? Hoo-boy.
Mike: Uh-oh. Look out!
Servo: Look out!
Bobo: Doggone it! D'oh. Man, I'm sorry. I'm not a very good evil monkey. I'm sorry!
Servo: I'll say.
Bobo: Don't tell Lawgiver. Please! I'm sorry! I'll clean up everything. I'm sorry.
Mike: Uh, Pearl's calling.
Bobo: Oh! Oh! Hide me! Tell her I killed your dog. Please!
Crow: Fine, fine, fine. Whatever. Just cut it out.
Servo: Dumb monkey.
Pearl: Oh, for crying out... Would you just get down here, you boob? Brain Guy, get him down.
Observer: I'm Endusting, Pearl! Oh, nevermind.
Pearl: Okay, Nelson. According to you guys' scores on the Shoemacher-Esterhaus cinematic pain differential, you did experience a good amount of pain. I was very pleased with the Borgninian touch in the film, personally speaking. However, I am a little disappointed with your scores on the Wood-Gordon tedium inventory. So, the movies are only going to get worse because the more you hurt, the faster I get certified! And I know you guys want that for me.
Observer: Oh, would you just get in the bag, please?!
Bobo: Well, why didn't you just say that in the first place? Woo-hoo! I love bags! Hehe!
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