||Legend of the Dinosaur
Dr. E: I'm telling you, Clay, it was brilliant. It sold millions. The "Paul is Dead" hoax was one of the greatest marketing schemes in history.
Dr. F: And the "Joel is Dead" campaign is the perfect way to pump some life into the video marketing arm of Mystery Science Theater.
Dr. E: It'll be the biggest marketing coup since Coke changed the formula! Let's review the clues.
Dr. F: Yeah! Oh good, good. I was watching this tape earlier and I picked out some things.
Dr. E: Alright.
Dr. F: Here, look at this. See... SAT I. Good, now Saturday the 1st, the first day he died.
Dr. F and Dr. E: Brilliant!
Dr. E: Absolutely. Alright. Okay next, look: Next Sunday AD. AD, After Death. He died on Saturday the 1st, Sunday the 2nd was the funeral.
Dr. F: Okay. Now, now here in the lyric, in the soundtrack, it says there was a guy named Joel. Not is, was.
Dr. E: Well done.
Dr. F: Thank you.
Dr. E: Very nice, very nice. Okay, here's my final one. Okay, look in the opening segment here. He has really long hair. Nowhere else on the show does he have that kind of hair.
Dr. F: Yeah.
Dr. E: You know what they say, hair keeps growing after death. So with Peter Torque, too. Peter Torque, he looks like Peter Torque. Peter Torque has long hair, The Monkees are kinda dead.
Dr. F: Uh, yeah... Yeah. Well, umm... Umm, no.
Dr. E: You know what I'm getting at? They're gonna love it.
Dr. F: Uh, I'm not buying that. I think that's reaching a little bit, Larry.
Dr. E: Okay, alright. It's for money. There's money involved here.
Dr. F: Oh yeah, I understand. I think it's a good idea. Uh, oh. Here's one. I took the liberty of uh, retouching the cover of the Abbey Road album and uh, you can see I put Joel's head where Paul is, you know the whole barefoot cigarette thing.
Dr. E: This is beautiful!
Dr. F: Yup. Yeah, well.
Dr. E: Excellent work!
Dr. F: Well, thank you. I used to uh, do retouching work for The Enquirer.
Dr. E: Let's see what weasely's... Let's see what Joel... Joel! What do you think, pal?
Joel: Well, it'll probably work, but don't you think it'll make you feel bad inside?
Dr. F: Feel bad inside? We always feel bad inside!
Dr. E: We just write it off as gas.
Dr. F: Yeah besides, we need to raise $20 million for our new theme park, Six Flags Over 10 to the 12th Power.
Joel: I don't think I feel like participating in your little hoax.
Dr. F: Who asked you?
Dr. E: Yeah, last time I checked, the control switches were still here on Earth.
Dr. F: Anyway, it's a dinosaur film and it's without Doug McClure. It's called, "Legend of the Dinosaur".
Joel: There's just one thing I want to know: is it a Sandy Frank film?
Dr. F and Dr. E: Yeees!
Joel: You know what I say, never trust a man with two first names, especially if the first one's a woman's. Movie Sign!
Joel: Okay, you guys. Now remember the last sequence how we made ourselves look huge by having small sets, right?
Servo: It was brilliant.
Joel: Well, thanks. But Cambot and I have rigged up something that will make us look really small. Cambot, let's go.
Joel: No, no! Ow!
Crow: Oh my gosh!
Servo: Look, he's got him!
Joel: Do something!
Servo: He's got him by the... Aah!
Crow: Be careful!
Joel: Watch out! Ow!
Servo: Well, that cast sort of a dim shadow on the evening.
Servo: Well it was a kind of special effect, though.
Crow: Yeah, only in the way that Bob Hope is special.
Servo: We'll be right back.
Servo: Good night!
Crow: Boy, the Satellite of Love is sure a mess. We'd better get it clean before Joel comes. Oh, Servo!
Servo: Hi, Crow. Hello, everybody. Hehe. Oh, did I have a night. There were lots of beautiful babes fanning and...
Crow: Don't make me ask... Mango juice!
Servo: Yup, it was mango mania! Ha!
Crow: And then you woke up.
Servo: We'd better get this mess cleaned up or Joel is gonna be mad.
Joel: Did somebody say my name? Hey, boys. Boy, this place is a mess.
Crow: Yeah, and it's dirty, too.
Joel: Well, if I've learned anything about life, it's no matter where you go in this crazy Universe, you turn around and... there's your mom!
Crow and Servo: Good night, everybody!
Joel: Okay Cambot, turn off the TV sitcom simulator. That's right. I thought that was pretty good.
Crow: Yeah, that was great. I felt just like Donna Reed.
Servo: What you talkin' 'bout, Crow?
Joel: Movie Sign!
Joel: Now you guys, in this next sequence that we're gonna see in "The Legend of the Dinosaur", there's going to be some full-blown, no-holds-barred, back-door action, dinosaur style.
Servo: I'm all a-quiver with anticipation, Joel.
Joel: Okay. Now I want to teach you a little bit about how movie magic works. You see this Kentucky Fried Chicken? Took the liberty of putting a little styling mousse on the roof there, and this is what we call "in scale." Now if the Kentucky Fried Chicken was really that size, we'd be huge, right?
Servo: Absolutely. I think I'd be like a water tower, Crow looks like Underdog from the Macy's Parade...
Crow: Oh, I don't like it. I'm afraid of heights. Uh, like... What if I fall off myself?
Servo: Well you know what they say, if you fall off yourself, you just gotta get back on.
Joel: Well anyway, you guys, I built this dinosaur to breathe fire and I'll show you how it works. Okay, we turn him on, light him up...
Joel: He's got the worst breath of the morning.
Servo: Father callitosis.
Crow: Hey, I got a question: tyrannosaurus rex really didn't breathe fire, so this one isn't anatomically correct?
Servo: Oh, but he is.
Joel: Movie Sign!
Joel: You remember we're going to tell everybody that we're going on hiatus now.
Servo: For the summer.
Joel: For the summer.
Joel: What are you going to do for the summer, Crow?
Crow: Uh, I'm going to Space Camp.
Joel: Space Camp. Okay, and Servo, what are you going to do?
Servo: I'm going to fill my head with cocoa butter and surf 'til I drop.
Joel: Great. I'm gonna be working on my uh, Bob Hope impression this summer.
Crow: Let's hear it!
Joel: You wanna hear it? Ah yeah, I love the kids today. Love that Swedish hotcake, Elki Summers. Boy, I don't wanna really complain about Exxon, but now I know why they call 'em tankers.
Servo: Heh. Exxon's grasping now that all their stations have, "Our gas contains no seawater," signs.
Servo: Regular, unleaded, or desalinated. Hehe.
Joel: Woah. Anyway...
Crow: What a year. We went from Ollie North to Oily North.
Joel: Woah! Ow! Anyway...
Servo: Ba-ba-boom! Zing!
Joel: Thanks, thanks everybody who's been supporting the show.
Joel: We really appreciate all the people in the fan club, and especially our friends here at TV23.
Servo: If you like the show, write in and tell the station.
Joel: Right. I think that oughtta do it.
Joel: Bye, everybody!
Crow: See ya!
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Back to MSTies Anonymous.