Experiments MSTies Anonymous SOL Post The Club MSTie Net



019 Hangar 18 05/14/89
020 Last Chase 05/21/89
021 Legend of the Dinosaur 05/21/89



020 Last Chase
Segment 1
Segment 2
Segment 3
Segment 4
Segment 5
020.wav "Thank you, dragon bitch." -Servo 37k



Segment 1


Dr. E: ...this, Clay.
Dr. F: Shut up, Lar. This is an important experiment.
Dr. E: Let me up, it hurts!
Dr. F: It's supposed to hurt. It's science. Ponz & Fleischmann got it wrong. Cold fusion works, but it has to take place... in the human mouth.
Dr. E: Wait, wait, wait. Shouldn't we like start with like a sheep's mouth or something?
Dr. F: No, we don't have the funding for that. Now open wide...
Dr. E: What is that?
Dr. F: It's, it's just heavywater.
Dr. E: Oh.
Dr. F: Open up, here comes the steam-shovel!
Dr. E: Ah!
Dr. F: Chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug... Don't swallow! This is expensive. Now the secret ingredient... Mmm, look. Daddy likes it. Pfft. Here you go. It works! Yes! It's great! Mmm, the best thing is, it tastes like peach-flow fizz!
Dr. E: That's not cold fusion, that's the dry heaves!
Dr. F: Oh. Well, back to the drawing board, then. Why don't you send Joel the movie?
Dr. E: "Last Chase". Plech!


Segment 2


Joel: Okay, you two, it's time for your... humanity lesson, okay?
Crow: Oh, cool. Hmm.
Joel: Uh, first thing we're gonna do uh, is number one: always say "please" and "thank you" even if you don't mean it, alright?
Crow: Check.
Servo: Roger.
Joel: Okay, number two: always remember to call your mom, or in your case, me, every weekend.
Crow: Roger!
Joel: Got it?
Servo: Check!
Joel: Number three: never let 'em see you sweat.
Servo: Three things, that's it?
Crow: Wow, and you keep complaining that life is a sad tale of tears?
Joel: Well, part of being a human being is developing a conscience. That's a big part.
Servo: Conscience? What's that?
Crow: Well, sound it out. Conscience. Con-science. Conscience.
Servo: You mean, you mean a quack scientist?
Crow: Yeah, like Eric von Dannakin.
Joel: Oh, like the guy who wrote uh, "Ancient Astronauts", right?
Crow: Yeah, see? Right there: "Ancient Astronauts". That's ridiculous! Everybody knows that astronauts have to be between 28 and 45.
Joel: Now by conscience I mean how you guys felt when you guys locked me out of the ship a couple of weeks ago.
Servo: You mean, self-satisfied, free from our shackles of bondage?
Joel: No, I think I'm gonna have to use another example.
Crow: Uh-oh. Is this gonna be one of those Bob Newhart stories?
Joel: Well, having a conscience is kind of like when you're programmed with the 3 robotic laws. Now I typed up an example here. It's uh, I'll download a simulated conscience program into your RAM. THis one has an accelerated module with a moralistic add-on, okay? Let's key in some low-level guilt as well...
Crow: Oh!
Joel: Here you go.
Crow: What, what, what's that? Oh! Uh, look uh, look what you've done to my shirt. Is there something green on me? Is there something in my teeth? Did you put a bug on me? Is there? Where? What do you think, huh?
Servo: Gee, Joel, sounds great.
Joel: Yeah.
Crow: Huh? Hey, what's that thing there?
Joel: I think I put the wrong module in. It must've been the paranoid module by mistake.
Crow: What? What? What? What did I do?
Joel: Nothing. Listen, we'd better go to a commercial. You'd better have your moralistic add-on while you watch it.
Crow: Wait...
Servo: Joel, I...
Crow: Going to a commercial?


Segment 3


Joel: Well, it's a big day, isn't it, Servo?
Servo: Number 1000...
Joel: Yup.
Servo: Fan Club member!
Joel: Our thousandth fan club letter. Put it up on the big screen, Cambot. Let's have a look. Uh, there's the front of it. It says, "Destination unknown. See you where no man has gone before." Very post-punk. And here's who it's from: Miss, Ms. Gidget Hole? Howell.
Servo: Howell.
Joel: And she says, "Yes, that's my name." Gidget. The uh, what would that make her?
Servo: The love child of Sally Field and Jim Backus, I guess.
Joel: Right. Gidget Howell.
Servo: "Lubbee, I guess you love me. Huh-huh-huh."
Joel: Yeah, I guess she did. Okay Crow, let's have the prize. Did you bring it?
Crow: Uh, I couldn't find it, Joel. I don't know where the Demon Dogs are.
Joel: Okay, here it is. This is what you won.
Crow: Oh!
Joel: The Demon Dog hat.
Servo: From the opening credits.
Joel: From the opening credits of the show, you see. Wear it like that. It's a little bit hard on the skull, but...
Crow: Cool.
Joel: ...what do you want for nothing?
Servo: Oh!
Joel: We got Movie Sign!
Servo: Movie Sign!
Crow: Woah!


Segment 4


Joel: I don't care what they say, Crow, it's wrong to kill.
Crow: Well, could I hurt him?
Joel: No, I don't think that's right. Hey, we've been getting some great letters from all you people. We really appreciate 'em. They help pass the time here in space. Anyway, this one's from a guy named Bobby Hodges, and...
Servo: Let's put it up.
Crow: Bobby!
Joel: ...put it up on the screen, Cambot. And umm, Servo, why don't you read this one.
Servo: I love this one. "Hi, Joel. I like Tom Servo because when Tom said, 'City on Fire'! And I like when Joel hits Servo in the head."
Crow: Yeah.
Servo: One of my favorite moments, too. Thank you so much, Bobby. "And I like when Joel sings 'When you have lemnos, you make lemnosauce. [sic] That's what I like. And Servo, stop messin' with peopla. [sic]" Bobby's a freshman at the University of Minnesota.
Joel: Well, what does...
Crow: Remnosauce?
Joel: Lemnosauce mean?
Servo: It's backwards for him asking for Buddy Ebsen has salmonella, I think.
Joel: Anyway Bobby, we can do the uh, head thing again for ya here.
Servo: Woah!
Crow: Hehehe. Hey!
Joel: Oh, we got Movie Sign!
Crow: Woah-ho!


Segment 5


Joel: "In my hometown, there was a guy named Commander Paul who had a kids show on Saturday morning. It was really bland. I mean, all he did was show cartoons and tell you the temperature outside. Although once in a while he had a lady from the zoo come over and talk about snakes, or maybe a library person who would talk about books. After Commander Paul left the station, he was replaced by a Commander Dave and then a Commander Tom. They didn't really put much of their own personality into the show. You guys leave them behind by a million miles and I can't think of anyone else who could do it so well. Thank you. Here's to more Japanese brain-eating space women with Georgia accents."
Servo: And I'm Tom Bodett for Motel 6.
Joel: Heh. That's Anton Marquard.
Servo: Thanks for joining us. We'll leave the light on for ya.
Joel: See ya.
Crow: Bye.



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