|021||Legend of the Dinosaur||05/21/89|
|020.wav||"Thank you, dragon bitch." -Servo||37k|
Dr. E: ...this, Clay.
Dr. F: Shut up, Lar. This is an important experiment.
Dr. E: Let me up, it hurts!
Dr. F: It's supposed to hurt. It's science. Ponz & Fleischmann got it wrong. Cold fusion works, but it has to take place... in the human mouth.
Dr. E: Wait, wait, wait. Shouldn't we like start with like a sheep's mouth or something?
Dr. F: No, we don't have the funding for that. Now open wide...
Dr. E: What is that?
Dr. F: It's, it's just heavywater.
Dr. E: Oh.
Dr. F: Open up, here comes the steam-shovel!
Dr. E: Ah!
Joel: Okay, you two, it's time for your... humanity lesson, okay?
Crow: Oh, cool. Hmm.
Joel: Uh, first thing we're gonna do uh, is number one: always say "please" and "thank you" even if you don't mean it, alright?
Joel: Okay, number two: always remember to call your mom, or in your case, me, every weekend.
Joel: Got it?
Joel: Number three: never let 'em see you sweat.
Servo: Three things, that's it?
Crow: Wow, and you keep complaining that life is a sad tale of tears?
Joel: Well, part of being a human being is developing a conscience. That's a big part.
Servo: Conscience? What's that?
Crow: Well, sound it out. Conscience. Con-science. Conscience.
Servo: You mean, you mean a quack scientist?
Crow: Yeah, like Eric von Dannakin.
Joel: Oh, like the guy who wrote uh, "Ancient Astronauts", right?
Crow: Yeah, see? Right there: "Ancient Astronauts". That's ridiculous! Everybody knows that astronauts have to be between 28 and 45.
Joel: Now by conscience I mean how you guys felt when you guys locked me out of the ship a couple of weeks ago.
Servo: You mean, self-satisfied, free from our shackles of bondage?
Joel: No, I think I'm gonna have to use another example.
Crow: Uh-oh. Is this gonna be one of those Bob Newhart stories?
Joel: Well, having a conscience is kind of like when you're programmed with the 3 robotic laws. Now I typed up an example here. It's uh, I'll download a simulated conscience program into your RAM. THis one has an accelerated module with a moralistic add-on, okay? Let's key in some low-level guilt as well...
Joel: Here you go.
Crow: What, what, what's that? Oh! Uh, look uh, look what you've done to my shirt. Is there something green on me? Is there something in my teeth? Did you put a bug on me? Is there? Where? What do you think, huh?
Servo: Gee, Joel, sounds great.
Crow: Huh? Hey, what's that thing there?
Joel: Well, it's a big day, isn't it, Servo?
Servo: Number 1000...
Servo: Fan Club member!
Joel: Our thousandth fan club letter. Put it up on the big screen, Cambot. Let's have a look. Uh, there's the front of it. It says, "Destination unknown. See you where no man has gone before." Very post-punk. And here's who it's from: Miss, Ms. Gidget Hole? Howell.
Joel: And she says, "Yes, that's my name." Gidget. The uh, what would that make her?
Servo: The love child of Sally Field and Jim Backus, I guess.
Joel: Right. Gidget Howell.
Servo: "Lubbee, I guess you love me. Huh-huh-huh."
Joel: Yeah, I guess she did. Okay Crow, let's have the prize. Did you bring it?
Crow: Uh, I couldn't find it, Joel. I don't know where the Demon Dogs are.
Joel: Okay, here it is. This is what you won.
Joel: I don't care what they say, Crow, it's wrong to kill.
Crow: Well, could I hurt him?
Joel: "In my hometown, there was a guy named Commander Paul who had a kids show on Saturday morning. It was really bland. I mean, all he did was show cartoons and tell you the temperature outside. Although once in a while he had a lady from the zoo come over and talk about snakes, or maybe a library person who would talk about books. After Commander Paul left the station, he was replaced by a Commander Dave and then a Commander Tom. They didn't really put much of their own personality into the show. You guys leave them behind by a million miles and I can't think of anyone else who could do it so well. Thank you. Here's to more Japanese brain-eating space women with Georgia accents."
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