||SST Death Flight
Dr. F: You're right, Larry. I don't know how I can keep this from you. Look in the briefcase.
Dr. F: I don't want to talk about it.
Dr. E: C'mon, Clay! You've been brooding ever since you got back from Vegas. You gotta tell me what happened! Listen Clay, I'm your friend. More than that, I'm your partner. And more than that, I'm your doctor. And if you don't tell me... Time for the physical!
Dr. E: Oh, my God!
Dr. F: Sacks and sacks of money. I won it playing Keno. Keno's my game! What can I tell you? I don't know. I tried everything to lose... I, I tried closing my eyes and making little X's on the paper. And everything I did worked. I'm charmed! What can I tell you?
Dr. E: There are hundreds!
Dr. F: I know. It's like that episode of Andy Griffith when Aunt Bea went to Las Vegas and put the chip down on the roulette wheel and kept on winning. And Larry, it gets worse... There's more in the car.
Dr. E: In the Mad Scientist Mobile?
Dr. F: No, the... the Austin.
Dr. E: The Austin?
Dr. F: Yeah, I bought it to bring the money back. I bought you one too.
Dr. E: Oh, thank you!
Dr. F: Sure, thought I'd weigh that one, too. Traction, you know.
Dr. E: Good idea. You know, Clay, we're not only mad, we're rich! We're filthy rich! We can do really cool stuff now. We can build a giant laser or knock the Earth off its axis. Or we could bail out Midwest Federal.
Dr. F: Wow. Think of all the appliances and stadium blankets we can get. Oh, speaking of getting things, I brought you something back.
Dr. E: I can't get over you.
Dr. F: A little trinket, a little...
Dr. E: You've really changed for the better. Something must've really changed you in Vegas.
Dr. F: Yes, it's the Isaac Asimov Body Splash. It's part of the Foudation Trilogy Gift Set. See? Take a whif.
Dr. E: Oh, smells pretty. Like space. Starts bold, finishes clean.
Dr. F: Yeah, it was this or the I, Robot Grooming Bikini Waxing Set.
Dr. E: Good call, good call.
Dr. F: Oh, and something else: Mad Scientist Masculine Hygeine Mist.
Dr. E: Lemme try! Let me try!
Dr. F: Uh, later. Later.
Dr. E: I'm overwhelmed. You really are something special.
Dr. F: No, no, you're something special, Lar. I did a lot of thinking about you while I was in Vegas... and I brought back a super film.
Dr. E: Really?
Dr. F: Yes. It's called SST Death Flight.
Dr. E: And it's perfect for Joel! They'll love it! The Death Flight thing, it ties in great.
Dr. F: You're right! I didn't think of that before. It's got Lorne Greene and Burt Convy.
Dr. E: For stars like Lorne Greene, that's like 98.
Dr. F: I was leaving the parking lot in Caesar's Palace and I ran into Burt Convy. He gave me the film. So, why don't we send it up?
Dr. E: Let's do it!
Dr. F: Okay!
Dr. E: A hundred bucks says you do it.
Dr. F: Oh, no. Here's two hundred. You push The Button.
Dr. E: Allright, okay.
Joel: Pfffffft! Movie Sign!
Joel: Hey, everything's set up? Good. You ready to let 'er loose, Crow?
Crow: Ready to rip. Thanks for making me the control group. Now, as for Servo, how many volts do you feel like today?
Servo: Crank it up. I can take it. I won't talk, though. You can fill my head up with gummy bears and I won't talk! This reminds me of when I was in Guam.
Joel: Now Servo, everyone knows that robots cannot feel pain. This is a little experiment to simulate that for you since you wanna know what it's like to be a human. This first setting that we've got is going to feel like what it's like to get a... stub your toe. Go ahead, Crow!
Joel: Hmm. Okay, this next setting is the equivalent of experiencing a fiery Yugo crash. Go ahead, Crow.
Servo: Ouch, oh hurt me. I'll never talk. Don't you get it? Is this the best you can do, Mr. Salty?
Crow: I say we take him to the top floor and drop him. Let's take it to the Arsenio setting.
Joel: Yeah, and besides that, he called me Mr. Salty, whatever that means. Allright, this next setting, Servo, is going to be the equivalent watching an hour of Arsenio Hall with guests Brooke Shields, Jackie Collins, and a curator from the Milwaukee Zoo. Go ahead, Crow!
Servo: Ooooooooeeeeeaaaaaaaaooooooohhh!!! Oh, golly.
Joel: Goll, I'd better unhook you here.
Crow: I love the smell of burning RAM chips in the morning. It smells like... victory.
Joel: Well, thanks a lot, Servo. At least we know what you can handle.
Servo: Hey, Crow. No hard feelings! Let's shake on it.
Servo: That was the Martin Downey Jr. setting, butthead.
Gypsy: Well, now you know. I have a great voice. I can sing, too! Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, Mr. President. Happy birthday to you! Heehee!
Gypsy: I'm better.
Joel: Better from what?
Gypsy: You know, my cold.
Joel: I didn't know you had a cold. I... Your voice is different. I pro- programmed it to be that way. I uh, wanted it deep and sexy, kinda like Kim Kearns, but I kinda botched it at the end.
Joel: You know, I'm really amazed! I don't know how that happened.
Servo: Oh, my God! For being my creator, you sure are gullible. I was throwing my voice! Did you see my lips move?
Joel: No, you don't really have lips, but I think I know what you mean.
Gypsy: You kill me, Joel. We fooled you good.
Servo: What a chair leg.
Gyspy: Yeah, you're a bubble and a half off plumb.
Servo: The lights are on, but nobody's home.
Gypsy: Yeah, the factory's there, but they're making something else now.
Joel: Movie Sign!
Servo: Day-O! Day-O! Daylight come and me want go home. Day-O! Day-O! Daylight come and me want go home. Come, Mr. Tally Mon, tally me bananna. Daylight come and me want go home. A beautiful bunch of ripe banana! Daylight come and me want go home. Hide the deadly black tarantula! Daylight come and me want go home. Sing, Bruce Mon and Mark Anderson of Richfield! Hey! Come, Mr. Tally Mon, tally me banana. Sing, Mike Halley of Zimmerman! Daylight come and me want go home. Day-O! Me said day, me said day, me said day-O.
Joel: Movie Sign!
Servo: Daylight come and me want go home.
Servo: Mail call!
Joel: Thanks everybody who's written in for the Mystery Science Theater Fan Club. We really appreciate it.
Servo: Joel, read the one from the babes! The female call!
Joel: Okay, Cambot put that one up on the screen. Go ahead, Servo.
Servo: Hello, howdy fellas. All of us girls absolutely die for you. When six PM Sunday rolls around, we drop everything to watch your show. Mystery Science Theater is choice entertainment and it goes on to say Servo is the most incredible creation ever made and we want him badly.
Crow: Hey, Cambot! Put that cool one up!
Crow: It says Dear Joel, I think your show is great! I watch it all the time. I like the one when a lady is covered with a blanket and Crow said, "Hey, nice jammies!" All you guys are funny. That's from our pal, Andy Kazlin- Kaz- Kalin- Kalinoski, North Minneapolis.
Joel: Yeah, so umm...
Servo: That's a nice photo of you, Joel.
Joel: Thanks, well anyway. I really... Keep those cards and letters coming in. And that address again, Servo, read it?
Servo: Mystery Science Theater 3000 Fan Club, c/o TV23 2505 Kennedy St. NE., Minneapolis, MN, 55413. Please write soon and send us the name of your favorite pizza topping.
Joel: I think you're going to be sorry you said that. Anyway, we'll see you next week. Thanks a lot.
Back to Experiments.
Back to MSTies Anonymous.